The Illness

This disease called affection 
It's beautiful 
It's sickening
There's a small stone in my being
With your name grated into it
It gets heavier every day
It's nearly the size of a mountain some days
On the days when it pains me
To think about you and your smile
To think about kissing you
Some days it erodes into a tiny pebble 
And you're nothing but a whining in my brain
It's on those days I want to hate you
And I feel like hating myself
Hating myself for letting this become something
Because I'd gotten so used to solitude
So comfortable with being on my own
And then you just walked into my life
As a stranger
And it only took one night
One night full of inebriation and glances
For you to become a constant in my head
And it wanes so much
One day there's nothing but silence between us
The next it's hands and lips and words
And what does it mean in the end?
God knows I know nothing about grey
I've only ever been black or white
Oblivion or infinity
Because that way I don't get hurt
This mulling, swaying state
This is exactly how I fall and decay
And I swore to myself to never let it happen
Not after the last time
But you, nothing but you
Your hand on my waist, my leg
Your lips tangled with mine
Your laugh floating through my veins
When you tell me I'm beautiful
When you drag me from the swamps of sorrow
God I hate you for it
Because then you block me out 
And it I just want you here, every second
I hate you for rendering me to this
I may as well be a huddle of dust under the bed
If only we were real
If only we were able to do this
This love disease is rotting my insides
But I let it, because it's for you