Please Add More Letters to My Diagnosis Thanks.

I want to numb myself
Because I feel no life
I'm either curled into a screaming ball or completely devoid of feeling
My parents don't know what's going on
I have trouble looking them in the eye
I'm not hiding anything I'm just sad
And I'm sorry I'm sad
I wish I could be who you know me to be
Who I really am
But… actually… do you know the real me?
No, because I've always been sad
I've always been anxious
I've always hated myself
Always torn myself apart with the hatred that doesn't stop tearing apart my brain
Over and over and over
Like a broken record
She tells me
"I hate you…I hate you…I hate you…"
"nobody likes you… nobody likes you… nobody likes you…"
"kill yourself…kill yourself… kill yourself…"

STOP! STOP IT! THAT'S NOT TRUE! I DON'T WANT TO!
I sometimes scream at that broken record
But sometimes I let it play
Over and over and over again
Until it sinks deep under my skin with its cool touch of numbness
Because sometimes
I get tired of putting on a face
I get tired of maintaining my composure
I get tired of restraining myself
And I let go into that broken record
For a few seconds… maybe even a minute

Until it sinks deep enough to hit that stubborn part of me
Like a ball against a brick wall it bounces back out
When it hits that rebellious part of me
That fighter part of me
She sends those voices repeating straight back out
Not one has gotten past her wall
It stands forever