Alone

You tell me that
I rely on you too much
That you won't give me sex because
I need to be more independent
That you won't hold conversations with me
Because I need to have my own life
And I always want to discuss the same things
And it irritates you
But God I feel like I want to do something crazy
I want to shave my head, dye all my hair the color
Of blood
Or of soot
Or of the ocean

You're making it seem like you hate me
You who have promised to always love me
You who have promised to always be faithful
You who have promised to never leave me alone
You who have held me at my best and at my worst
You who have broken every promise
You who I thought never would

But I don't think you've ever comprehended what it's like
To be as alone as I have always been
There was never anyone but you who would
Hold my hand through my failures
And my achievements
I was always alone
Every day until I found you I felt alone
And sometimes I prefer it
I prefer not having to deal with other people
Their presence alone makes me anxious
But that's probably from spending so many years
Alone at my desk after a arduos day of school and cleaning
Rather than playing with the neighborhood kids
Who all made fun of me any way
Did I ever tell you about the time I lost my phone
And I knew my mom would be livid
And the neighbors thought it would be funny to tell me
That it was in their trash can
They even went so far as to help me
Just so they could have a laugh later
Or how about the many times that teachers
Would knock me for how much I read
How many words I knew
They didn't seem to understand
That Harry, Eragon, Ella, Jo, Heathcliff, and Sherlock
We're the ones I surrounded myself with
When I wanted company
I don't know if you've ever known
The extent to which I was bullied
Because you've always said that
A little was good, so you could learn to take it in the real world
But everyday, it was something
My hair, short and dark
My make up, heavy and done wrong
Because I had to teach myself
My breasts
Because I got them so young
There was a rumor that I stuffed my bra
When I was in fifth grade
My teeth,
Because there was a big gap
My voice
Because I was always told
I couldn't sing
My height.
Because I was always just too short
Some days I could take it in stride
And face it all alone
And some days I couldn't
My insecurities and loneliness became my pain
And my pain became my depression
And my depression became my self harm
And that became my release
For a while
Only a year or so
There are only seven scars left
But I know each one
And no one ever stopped me
No one ever saw the signs
No one even cared
Because I was alone

You want time to yourself
You want to spend time alone
You want me to want to spend time alone
But the truth is
I hate being alone
I hate it because it reminds me of the days
When I felt like no one would care
Like no one could care
What happened to me
I hate being alone
I'm scared of being alone
Because some days
I still feel that way
But when you're here
And you actually want to be
And you actually give a damn
I feel like I never need to be scared to be
Alone