Control

The thing is that I've always been called
A control freak
And I've always hated that

But the older I get
The more I realize
It's the basis of every tear in my skin
And tear in my eye
Control

It's abstract, I know
A concept, strictly
Nothing tangible
And yet
I can physically feel it when it escapes me
Pulling apart my veins and
Sneaking through my crevices
Through my muscle tissue
Until it's just
Crawling under my skin

And as I feel it seeping down
Parallel to my bloodstream
And I'm fighting to keep it in
It pushes through my pores
And I can feel it leave me

And it's like my brain is made of ice
Or glass, perhaps
And the molecules bonding it together
Are what's breaking me apart
Because the more I feel myself
Lose control of everything
My head
My skin
My chemistry
My heart
My life
Myself
My brain just
Splinters slowly
Little crackling shards of
Something clear and sharp and broken
And I don't know how to put the pieces back

I try so hard, too
With the prescriptions
And the addictions
But I don't think what I'm asking for is
"better"
As much as it is
"numb"
I'm not trying to "fix" myself
I've given up on that long ago, I think
And so I tell myself
The next best thing
For now, at least
Is to substitute the chemical clashing
With pharmaceutical vacations
Just for now
Just until I can sleep it off
And tell myself in the morning
That I can play through whatever pain
Is crippling me today

I think what I need is help
And yet
I'm afraid of doing anything other than this

And yet I'm afraid of doing this, too

I think I'm just afraid of everything

Probably because the only thing that keeps coming back to me
Is nothing

And the more and more I try to push
And get everything in line
And at least fake it all to be okay
Nothing is ever good enough to be true
And everything I think I've patched
Always comes unstitched at the seams
And falls apart
And all I can do
Is feel it chip away at everything some more

I think even numbness is losing its effect

I think I am a control freak after all