Relief
I close my eyes
And imagine the cool feeling of steel
As it drags across my wrist
It makes me moan slightly
Because God it feels better than anything
Better than an orgasm
Better than the first sip of a glass of cool wine
Better than the first drag of a cigarette
My eyes open, wet with tears
And I take a deep breath knowing
It's not real
But for a moment
It felt real
That cathartic feeling as the sight of blood
Red, coppery, wet,
Slides down my hand
It felt good.
And God I'm so fucked up
I'm so fucked up for so many reasons
Today alone, I felt like I didn't want to get out of bed,
Like I couldn't
I didn't want to do anything anymore
I still don't
Nothing holds my interest
Everything is lackluster where it should shine
My life holds no special glow
But all I can think is
Why should it?
Why should I matter?
Why should anything I have to say be heard?
And the truth is
I don't.
I'm not important
Not to anyone.
And maybe, maybe, someone might disagree with you
But I don't
So I'm looking around
Wondering what I did with the stupid knife
Wondering where it went
So that my imagination
Can be a reality
So I can feel as fucked up outside
As I do in my head
Because let's be honest
At 21
I can't act my age
I can't be independent
I can't do anything by myself
I feel unappreciated
I feel ugly
I feel stupid
I feel hated
I feel ostracized
I feel ridiculous
I feel like giving up
I feel hurt
I feel angry
I feel insane
I feel like I need help
I feel like I don't want it
I feel like I'm loosing myself to my own head
But I don't even know who I am
At 21
I am so fucked up
And every day
It gets worse
Every day the burden grows bigger
Every day I feel more awful
Every day I struggle
Every day I'm dying for relief
From my own mind
It's a cage
My whole head is a fucking cage and I'm the only prisoner
And that realization only makes me feel more insane.
I want to do something wild
I want to get a tattoo
Get my nipples pierced
Fuck a stranger
I want to do something destructive
Something that will only hurt me
I want to do something that I could be punished for
Hell, I want to be punished
Fuck
I want to punish myself
I want to find that knife
And let the cool blade rest against pale skin
Waiting to draw blood
Red, coppery and wet
I want to give up
I want relief
And imagine the cool feeling of steel
As it drags across my wrist
It makes me moan slightly
Because God it feels better than anything
Better than an orgasm
Better than the first sip of a glass of cool wine
Better than the first drag of a cigarette
My eyes open, wet with tears
And I take a deep breath knowing
It's not real
But for a moment
It felt real
That cathartic feeling as the sight of blood
Red, coppery, wet,
Slides down my hand
It felt good.
And God I'm so fucked up
I'm so fucked up for so many reasons
Today alone, I felt like I didn't want to get out of bed,
Like I couldn't
I didn't want to do anything anymore
I still don't
Nothing holds my interest
Everything is lackluster where it should shine
My life holds no special glow
But all I can think is
Why should it?
Why should I matter?
Why should anything I have to say be heard?
And the truth is
I don't.
I'm not important
Not to anyone.
And maybe, maybe, someone might disagree with you
But I don't
So I'm looking around
Wondering what I did with the stupid knife
Wondering where it went
So that my imagination
Can be a reality
So I can feel as fucked up outside
As I do in my head
Because let's be honest
At 21
I can't act my age
I can't be independent
I can't do anything by myself
I feel unappreciated
I feel ugly
I feel stupid
I feel hated
I feel ostracized
I feel ridiculous
I feel like giving up
I feel hurt
I feel angry
I feel insane
I feel like I need help
I feel like I don't want it
I feel like I'm loosing myself to my own head
But I don't even know who I am
At 21
I am so fucked up
And every day
It gets worse
Every day the burden grows bigger
Every day I feel more awful
Every day I struggle
Every day I'm dying for relief
From my own mind
It's a cage
My whole head is a fucking cage and I'm the only prisoner
And that realization only makes me feel more insane.
I want to do something wild
I want to get a tattoo
Get my nipples pierced
Fuck a stranger
I want to do something destructive
Something that will only hurt me
I want to do something that I could be punished for
Hell, I want to be punished
Fuck
I want to punish myself
I want to find that knife
And let the cool blade rest against pale skin
Waiting to draw blood
Red, coppery and wet
I want to give up
I want relief