Breaking
I've spoken before about my life and pain.
How things hurt so bad and won't go away.
You've heard me cry, and you've heard me scream.
You've heard me dying, and begging to be told what life means.
Now I'm sitting here once more without the answer.
Pulling out my hair trying to get what I'm after.
But I don't think things will work out this time.
I'm really not sure the words will come out right.
I haven't spoken about my feelings in the longest time.
They've been buried underground far away from all life.
Maybe if I think people are listening I'll get by.
But really,
If that were the case then I'd be fine.
I wouldn't be lying awake in bed all night.
So I guess now's the time to be honest.
Forget all the bullshit and sugarcoating.
Get the truth off my chest and take off with it.
If I don't let it out soon I think I might scream.
I'm sick and tired of loosing all my hopes and dreams.
Life isn't about not getting what you want.
Life's about seizing the moment and showing off.
But what do I have left to show off?
A GED and an unemployment record?
Being a college drop-out and a heartbreaker?
Sure.
Maybe I'd show the world the scars on my wrists.
Except that they've faded away.
I'm not as glad for it as you might think.
If they did one thing it was remind me of why I still needed to fight.
Now the fights over.
No school, no job, no life, just a game over.
Sure I can keep going and hope for the best,
But is there really a point if I've already failed the quest?
I've lost all direction.
Lost my love, lost my drive.
Lost everything so far but my mind.
That'll probably go soon too.
I'm already sitting all alone speaking to whom?
A ghost.
The ghost of my past and the ghost of my future.
It's a funny metaphor, cuz, as you can see I've already killed it.
Everything's so stupid.
Why can't I just get out of bed and get through this?
I can't even keep clean anymore.
I probably haven't showered in a week.
My health is going down the drain and I really couldn't care less.
If I'm lucky I'll just die from all the stress.
Cuz this is reality.
There is no SOS.
When you've got depression like I do you're just waiting for it all to end.
You'll get better before you get worse.
I'm pretty sure it's just humanities curse.
I mean,
I was doing so well before it all went downhill.
I had a job, a home, and good friends to hang with.
But first went the job, and then went the home.
The friends I thought loved me never pick up the phone.
Well, maybe they would if I had ever dialed.
But they left me hanging and out to dry.
When it was all I could do not to cry.
Betrayed by those that were so close to me,
I fled back to my mother and family.
Yet I'd find no comfort there.
Every time I start to drag myself back up,
Life just happens by and fucks everything up.
And then there was her.
The one I always could never reach.
The cause for so much pain and yet so much joy.
I thought just maybe,
If I could do one thing right.
If I could just get through each day and dream of her each night.
Then maybe,
Just maybe, I'd get the life I wanted.
Because if there was anything I wanted it was her.
In all my fantasies and dreams of the future,
It was her face that remained constant.
It was her hand that I held.
Her heart...
My heart...
Then it was gone.
As easily as I latched onto that hope did it slip away.
If only I had talked to her more.
If only I could give her more.
But no...
I'm sure it wouldn't work.
She's moved on and I need to too.
But it's so hard.
The movies and the books don't come close to expressing the kind of pain this is.
Knowing you're defeated.
Truly, and utterly beaten.
It's the worst feeling ever.
When you've lost your prize in real life your heart just... gives out...
Fills up with nothing but pain.
With sorrow.
It.
Breaks.
There is no starting over.
No matter what happens now I have to live with this pain.
Maybe I can hope still.
Maybe things will work out for the best in the end.
We are still best friends.
But no matter what I show on the outside,
I will always know the truth.
The cold, hard fact that this is the end.
The torment between hope and despair forever tearing my tattered heart apart.
Till finally,
I either find some new hope,
Or just get life over with.
How things hurt so bad and won't go away.
You've heard me cry, and you've heard me scream.
You've heard me dying, and begging to be told what life means.
Now I'm sitting here once more without the answer.
Pulling out my hair trying to get what I'm after.
But I don't think things will work out this time.
I'm really not sure the words will come out right.
I haven't spoken about my feelings in the longest time.
They've been buried underground far away from all life.
Maybe if I think people are listening I'll get by.
But really,
If that were the case then I'd be fine.
I wouldn't be lying awake in bed all night.
So I guess now's the time to be honest.
Forget all the bullshit and sugarcoating.
Get the truth off my chest and take off with it.
If I don't let it out soon I think I might scream.
I'm sick and tired of loosing all my hopes and dreams.
Life isn't about not getting what you want.
Life's about seizing the moment and showing off.
But what do I have left to show off?
A GED and an unemployment record?
Being a college drop-out and a heartbreaker?
Sure.
Maybe I'd show the world the scars on my wrists.
Except that they've faded away.
I'm not as glad for it as you might think.
If they did one thing it was remind me of why I still needed to fight.
Now the fights over.
No school, no job, no life, just a game over.
Sure I can keep going and hope for the best,
But is there really a point if I've already failed the quest?
I've lost all direction.
Lost my love, lost my drive.
Lost everything so far but my mind.
That'll probably go soon too.
I'm already sitting all alone speaking to whom?
A ghost.
The ghost of my past and the ghost of my future.
It's a funny metaphor, cuz, as you can see I've already killed it.
Everything's so stupid.
Why can't I just get out of bed and get through this?
I can't even keep clean anymore.
I probably haven't showered in a week.
My health is going down the drain and I really couldn't care less.
If I'm lucky I'll just die from all the stress.
Cuz this is reality.
There is no SOS.
When you've got depression like I do you're just waiting for it all to end.
You'll get better before you get worse.
I'm pretty sure it's just humanities curse.
I mean,
I was doing so well before it all went downhill.
I had a job, a home, and good friends to hang with.
But first went the job, and then went the home.
The friends I thought loved me never pick up the phone.
Well, maybe they would if I had ever dialed.
But they left me hanging and out to dry.
When it was all I could do not to cry.
Betrayed by those that were so close to me,
I fled back to my mother and family.
Yet I'd find no comfort there.
Every time I start to drag myself back up,
Life just happens by and fucks everything up.
And then there was her.
The one I always could never reach.
The cause for so much pain and yet so much joy.
I thought just maybe,
If I could do one thing right.
If I could just get through each day and dream of her each night.
Then maybe,
Just maybe, I'd get the life I wanted.
Because if there was anything I wanted it was her.
In all my fantasies and dreams of the future,
It was her face that remained constant.
It was her hand that I held.
Her heart...
My heart...
Then it was gone.
As easily as I latched onto that hope did it slip away.
If only I had talked to her more.
If only I could give her more.
But no...
I'm sure it wouldn't work.
She's moved on and I need to too.
But it's so hard.
The movies and the books don't come close to expressing the kind of pain this is.
Knowing you're defeated.
Truly, and utterly beaten.
It's the worst feeling ever.
When you've lost your prize in real life your heart just... gives out...
Fills up with nothing but pain.
With sorrow.
It.
Breaks.
There is no starting over.
No matter what happens now I have to live with this pain.
Maybe I can hope still.
Maybe things will work out for the best in the end.
We are still best friends.
But no matter what I show on the outside,
I will always know the truth.
The cold, hard fact that this is the end.
The torment between hope and despair forever tearing my tattered heart apart.
Till finally,
I either find some new hope,
Or just get life over with.