Have a Nice Life

I don't know what to do with myself anymore
I've went from never being able to cry
To bawling my eyes out like a fucking baby
Every time I glance at your picture
By happenstance, I am trying so hard to forget you
But like everything else, I'm failing at that
I bet even if I tried this hard to keep you
It still wouldn't have been enough

Those gorgeous eyes I used to call home
Look so horribly strange now
Those lips, the curve of your smile, of your waist
Every single time I touched them turned out to be
The worst fucking lie I've ever told, I thought I was ready
I've been alone for long enough that I mistook tolerance for strength
And foolishly believed that I could bend the metals of our hearts
Into that elusive bond that everyone goes on and on about
But your heart was clay to me, it fit my form only to break
Then be reclaimed by another, all it took was a little water and even less time
And my heart was always iron, not pliable or durable enough
For the disgusting amount of work I need to do
To overcome my own damn self

You spend so long trying to know someone
But you never really will, 22 years
And I don't even know myself
Except that the strongest thing about me is my liver
And that I'm still alone
And that there is no help other than
A bullet to the brain or a swan dive into concrete
Or a noose around my neck, but I don't want to fade away
I want to cock and slam the fucking hammer down
On my existence, I don't even feel human anymore
I feel like a time bomb
I need to get away

But I don't know what to do or where to escape
It's like a fire all around the earth
And ice is falling from the skies
Like ash is building in my lungs
And salt is mining out my eyes
I'm sweating in the dead of winter
And I can see my breath on summer days
No, I will never forget again
There's a hole in my soul
And I'm losing control