To All the Ones I 'Loved' Before
I often find myself, mind wandering, thinking about the past.
I see faces I barely remember, and things I thought would last forever.
I remember the very first time I saw you.
You were such a pretty girl.
Okay, perhaps average is a better choice.
Below average?
Well that's just little harsh..
Anyways, you were a decent looking young lady.
(Read that as: Child)
You were interesting
(Read that as: impossible to understand)
You were captivating
(Read that as: I was your prisoner)
We were in love
(Read that as: A lie)
I remember hurting myself over you.
For you.
That should have been my first sign.
I remember how it felt to lose you.
That should have been a clear indicator.
I should have run when we kissed.
That was the first sign that you were
a cheater.
But no, you were never the cheater.
You just cheated on him with me, then her with me,
then me with her.
But no. That was fine.
I thought you were my first love.
God, I was so stupid.
How could I love someone
who shouldn’t even love themselves?
Yes. You read that right.
Shouldn’t.
Victimizing, lying and manipulating.
God I love talking to your mom,
your old friends,
your BEST friend.
You’d be crazy to see how much
happier everyone became
once you were out of the
picture.
Guess you weren’t just
toxic to me.
There’s a quote somewhere,
some tumblr page, I’m sure,
it says:
“Your first love will make you realize that
your first love
was never
your first love.”
I have never read anything so true,
When he came into my life she was still
hanging around.
Hanging on.
I guess I can’t say it like that
I was hanging onto her too.
He took one step into my life
and through
my world into
a storm.
He was a tornado,
I was a hurricane,
and everything was okay.
And to you, Mr. Him,
God I loved you. I still do.
You showed me what she couldn’t.
In a day I felt more love then three
years with her.
I left her. I felt free.
I had you. My best friend.
Nights when I would miss her.
The girl you referred to as
“The one I loved before”
you would hold me.
When I would screw up and text her,
you’d remind me of who she was.
When we’d drink on the tailgate,
you’d remind me that she wasn’t worth it.
And when I thought I would never find love,
you kissed me and showed me what it was.
My best friend. Something more.
Then it was you and me and everything was great.
For a while.
Do you remember when we would sleep?
You’d wrap your arms around me.
It was amazing.
But do you remember
when it all turned?
What you said?
What happened?
What I did?
What you did?
It’s taken me months to forgive you,
but I finally have.
I’m at peace,
I’m fine.
My best friend says you talk about me.
She hates you, but she hears all about it.
Says she only tells me because she thinks I deserve the truth.
“I love her, I miss her, I screwed up.”
And then, in turn, she tells you all about her.
She is amazing.
Oh my god.
Her eyes,
Her smile.
The way she holds my hand,
kisses my nose.
My eyelids, my forehead.
I love her.
I love her so much.
And to you, the ones I’ve loved before,
understand that love never dies,
But it does get replaced,
knocked back into
a distant memory.
And I still love you,
but understand that what we had
was never going to be real.
Was never going to be it.
You see, I’ve fallen in love,
and I apologize to the ones I’ve
loved before.
For wasting your time,
just as much as I wasted
mine.
I see faces I barely remember, and things I thought would last forever.
I remember the very first time I saw you.
You were such a pretty girl.
Okay, perhaps average is a better choice.
Below average?
Well that's just little harsh..
Anyways, you were a decent looking young lady.
(Read that as: Child)
You were interesting
(Read that as: impossible to understand)
You were captivating
(Read that as: I was your prisoner)
We were in love
(Read that as: A lie)
I remember hurting myself over you.
For you.
That should have been my first sign.
I remember how it felt to lose you.
That should have been a clear indicator.
I should have run when we kissed.
That was the first sign that you were
a cheater.
But no, you were never the cheater.
You just cheated on him with me, then her with me,
then me with her.
But no. That was fine.
I thought you were my first love.
God, I was so stupid.
How could I love someone
who shouldn’t even love themselves?
Yes. You read that right.
Shouldn’t.
Victimizing, lying and manipulating.
God I love talking to your mom,
your old friends,
your BEST friend.
You’d be crazy to see how much
happier everyone became
once you were out of the
picture.
Guess you weren’t just
toxic to me.
There’s a quote somewhere,
some tumblr page, I’m sure,
it says:
“Your first love will make you realize that
your first love
was never
your first love.”
I have never read anything so true,
When he came into my life she was still
hanging around.
Hanging on.
I guess I can’t say it like that
I was hanging onto her too.
He took one step into my life
and through
my world into
a storm.
He was a tornado,
I was a hurricane,
and everything was okay.
And to you, Mr. Him,
God I loved you. I still do.
You showed me what she couldn’t.
In a day I felt more love then three
years with her.
I left her. I felt free.
I had you. My best friend.
Nights when I would miss her.
The girl you referred to as
“The one I loved before”
you would hold me.
When I would screw up and text her,
you’d remind me of who she was.
When we’d drink on the tailgate,
you’d remind me that she wasn’t worth it.
And when I thought I would never find love,
you kissed me and showed me what it was.
My best friend. Something more.
Then it was you and me and everything was great.
For a while.
Do you remember when we would sleep?
You’d wrap your arms around me.
It was amazing.
But do you remember
when it all turned?
What you said?
What happened?
What I did?
What you did?
It’s taken me months to forgive you,
but I finally have.
I’m at peace,
I’m fine.
My best friend says you talk about me.
She hates you, but she hears all about it.
Says she only tells me because she thinks I deserve the truth.
“I love her, I miss her, I screwed up.”
And then, in turn, she tells you all about her.
She is amazing.
Oh my god.
Her eyes,
Her smile.
The way she holds my hand,
kisses my nose.
My eyelids, my forehead.
I love her.
I love her so much.
And to you, the ones I’ve loved before,
understand that love never dies,
But it does get replaced,
knocked back into
a distant memory.
And I still love you,
but understand that what we had
was never going to be real.
Was never going to be it.
You see, I’ve fallen in love,
and I apologize to the ones I’ve
loved before.
For wasting your time,
just as much as I wasted
mine.