I'll Feed Something If I Drown

I wanted to go
And leave everything behind
All the poems
All the pictures
All the songs
Everything that had to do with you
But some of the best art is made
When the heart is breaking
Or broken
I can go back and read
Or look
Or listen
And smile because I made it
But every so often
You come back in my life
My heart starts to race
My hands start to shake
You have this effect on me
That no one else has
And I can't seem to say goodbye
I can't seem to tell you to leave
Or to stop saying these things
Stop saying what you know
Makes my knees weak
And causes butterflies
Stop knowing me so well
Sometimes I wish I could take it back
Take back all the secrets I told you
When it was four in the morning
And words spilled from my lips
When it was four in the morning
And my walls came down
And you promised me
I could trust you
Or when you told me to sleep
That you'll be there in the morning
Or when I told you I was scared
That the mass could be cancerous
And you told me to tell you
As soon as I found out
Or when you asked if I was eating
Day after day
But soon you stopped saying goodnight
You'd just leave and I couldn't go to sleep
I'd wait
And wait
While you got drunk
Or high
I'd stay up all night
Waiting for you to say something
Anything
What hurt the most
Was that I would come whenever you needed
But when I was fading
When I would come home
Find solace on my bedroom floor
And drown myself in sobs
Ugly, disgusting crying
Ugly
Ugly
Ugly
Pulling my hair
Choking on your name
Disgusting
Disgusting
Disgusting
You were never there
Never there
But don't worry about me
I'm so strong
Right?
I'm
So
Strong