Darkness Inside

It's been two months since my last suicide attempt
Two months since I tried to end it all
Some days I wish it would've worked
Other days I'm thankful that it didn't
Yet I can't help but wonder, what if I were to try again
Not necessarily wanting to die, but just to see who would care
However, everytime I think about trying again
I think of the one person who would be affected the most
My dog
I know he wouldn't know what to do if I killed myself
I would just hope that he would be okay without me
I would want him to be taken care of, even if I'm not there to do it
He often snuggles me, as if to ask me if I'm okay
I put on a smile and tell him that I'm fine
Then I look at my arm
At the cuts and bruises I've inflicted on it
And I realize, I'm not fine
But I like to pretend that I am
Truth be told I can't remember the last I said I was fine and meant it
Part of me often wonders if I ever really have been
As I look back on my past suicide attempts
At the many ways I've self harmed
I realize that I've never been fine, I've never been okay
I want to be though
I want to be able to tell my dog I'm okay, and mean it
For awhile I actually thought I had him fooled into thinking I was
Then one day, I saw it
That look his eyes
That look that told me he could see right through my facade
And at that moment I realized I was screwed
I've always been told that I'm hard to read
But he, oh god, he can read me like a fucking book
I love it, but at the same time I hate it
I vowed to myself I wouldn't get close to anyone, not again
I tried my damnedast to keep him at arm's length
To keep my walls up around him
And yet, every time I look at him, I see my defenses crumble
Crumble into a million god damn pieces
And no matter how hard I try, I can't get that damn wall back up
In a way I'm glad it came down for him
But oh, how some days I wish that it hadn't
Because now that it's down it's getting harder to keep him at a distance
The distance isn't because I don't love him
Or because I don't want him to love me
The distance is because I love him so much I'd be willing to protect him from anything
And that includes me.