You Don't Know

You don't understand
You don't know what it's like to hate yourself
To look in the mirror and hate what see
To step on a scale and feel like the numbers are mocking you
To wanna just take a razor and cut all the fat out of your body
Yet being to afraid to do something so drastic
So instead you starve yourself
You begin to look at food as the enemy
Something to be avoided
But it keeps calling to you, in a saccharine sweet voice
Suddenly a slice of cake never looked so good
You tell yourself you'll have just a small bite
But we all know that's a fucking lie
For within seconds you've devoured the whole thing
Now you sit there with guilt rising up within you
You can hear the voices screaming at you
Telling you that you're a failure
That the world would be better of without your fat ass
You cover your ears and try to ignore them
But they only get louder
You begin to cry
Begging them to stop
But they only get louder
Their words only get harsher
It begins to become too much to handle
You race off to the bathroom as fast as you can
The voices laughing at the way you run
You quickly kneel in front of the toilet, as if to pray
But you aren't there to pray
Oh no my dear
You're there for something else
Mustering up some courage
You shove your fingers down your throat
The cake you ate comes up
You feel a strange sense of relief wash over you
You make yourself vomit a second time
Then a third time
By the fourth time you begin to feel faint
But those voices, those fucking voices
They just won't shut the hell up
You pull yourself to a standing position
A wave of dizziness washes over you
You drag yourself back to your room and close the door
You stand alone in the emptiness of your room
The voices are louder than ever now
But you have a way to silence them
You quickly look and find the pills you had stashed away
You open the bottle and pour them into your hand
Not caring how many there are
As you pop them in your mouth and swallow them down
The voices begin to die down now
And you feel a strange sense of calm
You feel as if you are floating
You lie on your bed
You begin to feel your breathing and heart rate slow
Your vision begins to blur
You feel as if you are in a fog
You begin to wonder if this is what death feels like
The voices are gone now
Having finally stopped their cruel words
A smile begins to form on your lips as silence surrounds you
Your eyelids have now grown heavy
Everything's getting dark
It's become hard to breathe as well
And your heart rate is so low that you can barely feel it
You begin to wonder if it stopped altogether
Finally your eyes close and your body goes limp
At that moment you are not sure what you succumbed to
Was it the sweet embrace of sleep
Or was it the sweet embrace of death?