What I Am to Her

I am not humane to her
no
to her I am a monster

monster must be put down

she never loved me like a mother should
and to be honest i don't know what mother could

love such a monster as I

a child born filled with rage
anger so bold it lashed out for days

Teachers said i was stupid
could never learn or reach full potential
stuck in special education classes

mother agreed
she was ashamed one me
how could she give berth to wretch like me

i would fight with them
but it only made them see the monster

and kids can be so mean
their words trapped in my head
i was never good enough
not for their friendship

or a mothers love

and as the years went by
my anger grew and grew and grew
till it was so large it pressed agents my skin
demanding freedom from the small body of me

so i cut deep
deeper
deeper and deeper
till all the anger was nothing but lacerated skin

High School

god how i hated it their
segregated by my pears
they no longer physically abused me but ignored me
denied me existences
shunned me from their world

was i even real?

no.

i did not existences any were
not in my mothers world

the only expectation was when the school became concerned
someone saw the cuts
those deep deep deep rivers of dried blood

my mother only loved when it made her look like a good parent

she wanted me dead
i was a pain and hassle
and embarrassment

a monster that was hidden under the bead
out of sight out of mind
out of love out of hope

loveless and hopeless
i drank and cut

and i drink and cut
but the pain will never retreat
its for ever lingers some were deep

and then the school shootings picked up
and took off in the news

once again the monstrosity of me was bathed in front of my mothers eyes

'i though you would do that one day. when you were in 10th grade.'
my mother began to say one day
in a voice as if she was telling me she was repainting the bathroom orange

'i though you were going to shoot your high school up.'

yet my mother left their for two more years

'you were just so angry and disturbed.'

I am angry even now it floods my vain

'I didn't know how to help you'

no

no you wanted to me to shoot that school up
you wanted me to kill toughs thous kids
kill though's kids
so
the cops would be forces to shoot me

or

would you rather i just blow my head off

is that what you wanted mother

is that why you left me their for two more years

what would you of said in your interview
'i didn't know'
'i loved her so much'
'she was sick'
'i tried to help her'

would those be the worlds that came from your mouth

when she looks at me to day
i can see the disgust in her eyes
hear the hatred in her voice
that mocking tone the kids used to chant in

'go kill your self'

they used to say

i am trying

'no one loves you'

i don't eve love me

'your worthless'

cant even charge Monopoly money for my thoughts

'your fat'

i know

'ugly'

i have to look at this face everyday

those are the words i hear in my mothers tone
she doesn't have to say it

i can see it on her face

the monster she tries to kill

everyday since the day i was born

its working you see
their is only so much i can take

even monster have a braking point
they cry them selves to sleep

even monster can want to take their own life

i can feel it growing near
the end of my life

to end my life
its like a dream i cant wake up from
a romantic nightmare

iv been self medicating for so long
trying to fight the words
to make this anger manifest into something

feeling

i don't even know what those are any more
i am numb
and its not a comfortable numb

its a tingling
burning numb

a numb that death should bring
but the days only bring the sun