What I Wish I'd Known Then

Since you were a little kid, you’d go to the doctors and see the poster,
A ripped up family portrait with the words ‘alcoholism can tear a family apart’,
But don’t puzzle and wonder what it means,
You’re much too young to know about such a cruel disease

When you’re 8 years old, she’ll declare that she’s leaving your dad,
She’ll cry as she tells you she’s found someone else,
But don’t be fooled into thinking she’s the victim in this,
It’s your dad that loved her unconditionally while she was sneaking around with another man

Your dad will move out and she’ll move in her new boyfriend,
And your home won’t feel like your home anymore,
But bear in mind that she isn’t really in love with him,
She’s just in love with the idea

A few months later you’ll find her crying in her room,
And she’ll tell you her new boyfriend’s going back to his wife and kids,
But don’t breathe a sigh of relief and think things will be easier now,
It’s about to get worse in the most unimaginable way

One day when you’re at your dad’s he will tell you he’s found someone new,
And you’ll be so happy for him that you’ll cry,
But don’t expect her to be happy too,
She may not want him anymore, but she doesn’t want anyone else to have him either

Over the next few months she’ll fall into a deep depression,
She’ll drown her sorrows in alcohol and warn you not to tell anyone,
But please open your eyes and tell someone,
You’re too young to deal with this on your own

You are your little sister used to be best friends, but now you don’t stop fighting,
You’re so angry and confused that you take it out on each other,
But please see this isn’t her fault,
You’re in this together and you’re all each other has

When you’re 9, you’ll walk out of school to see she’s not there to pick you up,
You’ll walk home on your own to find her passed out on the sofa,
But don’t bear the burden and look after her on your own,
You’re too young to be a carer

Soon it will become every night that she gets drunk and aggressive,
She’ll call you every name in the book until you’re sobbing on the floor,
But don’t let one word slip through the membrane of your heart,
It’s not true, none of it is true at all

At school you’ll become isolated because you can’t relate to anyone else,
Everyone’s worrying what to wear for the disco while you’re spending your birthday money on bills,
But don’t think for a second that anything’s wrong with you,
You’re just another kid that’s grown up too fast

When you’re 13 you’ll move out to live with your dad,
You can’t listen to her cruel words any longer,
But don’t get your hopes up and think she’ll clean up her act,
Alcoholism has its hooks deep into her skin

When you’re 14 you’ll start cutting yourself,
You’ll feel as worthless as she said you were and you’ll carve her words into your skin,
But don’t make your mental scars physical ones too,
The words alcohol made her say are not who you are

Four months later you’ll be unable to hide your scars,
Your teacher will phone her and she’ll show no concern at all,
But don’t take the value she places on your mental health as accurate
She’s blinkered by the disease that has confused her priorities

By the time you’re 15, you’ll barely be seeing her at all,
You’ll be dying in your head and she’s none the wiser,
But don’t even consider ending it all,
Better things are coming soon - it’s nearly your time

When you’re 16, you’ll pull yourself out of your depression,
You’ll be fearless and happy and resilient and wise,
But don’t listen to her voice that replays in the back of your head,
She’ll always be your weakness until you let go of what the alcohol made her say

One day during summer she’ll call to tell you she’s been admitted to the hospital,
You’ll fall to the floor crying and then rush to her bedside,
But don’t listen when she tells you the doctors don’t know what’s wrong
It’s cirrhosis of the liver and you know that in your gut

After three weeks she’ll look healthier and they’ll let her go home,
You’ll go round to cook and clean and talk for a while,
But don’t sigh in relief and think this is the wake up call she needed,
Alcoholism’s clutches are stronger than the ocean’s current

By Christmas, she’ll be back to her old habits and start drinking at dawn,
You’ll beg her to get help but she’ll assure you he’s fine,
But don’t drive yourself crazy trying to make her see,
You lost yourself once, you can’t do that again

Come February, you’ll be consumed with anger,
You’ll have cut emotional ties and feel nothing but hatred,
But don’t let yourself become bitter and cold
Anger’s a curved blade that hurts you far more than your target

In May, you’ll decide to give things one final try,
There’s a family get-together up North so you agree to go,
But don’t get ahead of yourself thinking of all the good things to come,
Alcoholism is a time-bomb that brings everything down with it

Her. Days. Are. Numbered.