S.C.J.

I want to vomit,
but stay invisible
I want to scream,
but stay invisible
I want to cry,
but stay invisible
I want to punch him
but I'm invisible
to him.

I guess it wasn’t that easy,
That whole “relationship” thing.
I guess it wasn’t there,
That whole “trust” thing.
I guess it wasn’t real,
That whole “love” thing.
But under grimy surfaces of that baby-face, was
pain and anger.
Useless, to me.
Pain is what I got
from that whole
“relationship” thing
from that whole
“trust” thing
from that whole
“love” thing.
And a song.

Some catchy tune,
I only dread to hear now
Some catchy rhythm
about me,
being lost in sheets
or some shit
Meaningless words,
Stuck to me like
cigarette smoke clinging to
my hair.
it’s easy for me to say that
I never slept with someone
from Fall Out Boy,
but I still got
a stupid song.
♠ ♠ ♠
This was written when I was 14 after my first boyfriend broke up with me. I thought I was in love with him but we had met a year before, I was 13 and he was 18. he was abusive, verbally and physically and I let myself take it because like most victims, I thought I deserved it because he told me I did.

But I got through it, four years later, and I know I deserve much so much better at 13. If I could tell myself at 13 what I knew now...