Old Habits

Things have been going well
I stopped binging
I stopped purging
I stopped starving
I stopped listening to the voices
I stopped it all
Or so I thought
I ate I today, just as normal
But this time, I found myself unable to stop
Down it all went
Pizza
Cookies
Soda
Lemonade
You name it, I ate it
Yet with each bite that passed through my lips
I found myself becoming more and more disgusted with myself
I thought I was better than this
I thought I had more self control
I also thought I would never again feel guilty for eating
And yet, here I am
Feeling guilty about the bites I took
Wishing I had only one slice of pizza, instead of four
Only one cookie, instead of twelve
A glass of water, rather than three cans of soda and a can of lemonade
Here I am, wishing I could change what I did
But it's too late now
I can't change what I did
The damage is done
Perhaps tomorrow will be better
Perhaps tomorrow I'll have more self control
Or perhaps I'll listen...to her
I can feel her
I can feel as she wraps her arms around me, and holds me close
Her embrace is painfully tight
Yet at the same time comforting
And then, I hear her
That melodic voice telling me it will be okay
That I can go back to her
That she will help me to forget the mistake I made
If I'm willing to do as she says
If I'm willing to obey her every command
I can't do that though
I can't give in
But I want to though
I want to give in
Just for a moment
I want to welcome back Ana
My old friend.