I'm Not Mad
I'm not mad because you left me
Or because you gave no warning when you decided to flee
I'm mad because you lied
Not once, but a thousand times
Because you wanted me to hate you, blame you
Because you didn't believe that I was capable enough to hear the truth
I'm mad because you promised to speak up if you ever felt that way
But never spoke a fucking word until two weeks after you walked away
I'm mad because you used "irrational" in your reply that day I told you I had hope
Then one week later, told me you still loved me, one drunken night on the phone
I'm mad that one week after that, you were dating someone new
After I'd fought so hard to make it work because I see only you
I'm mad that most nights, while you slumber soundly, I am unable to sleep
Because thoughts of you creep in my head and thieve my ability to breathe
I'm not mad because you said goodbye
Or because you never had so much as a tear in your eye
I'm mad because you promised that we would work together
To build a future, one step at a time, and never feel weathered
Whatever came our way was something that we could get passed
“One straight line, baby,” we were meant to last
I'm mad that you let me stay each time you told me I should go
I'm mad you'd only text me when you're drunk, the only time your feelings showed
Because each time you sobered up, you had nothing left to say
No texts, no calls, I wouldn’t hear from you for days
I'm not mad because you didn't wait
Or because you wanted her in the first place
I'm mad because I was, to you, so easily replaced
When one month prior, you said you loved me and promised that you would stay
I'm mad about every excuse you made for why we wouldn't work
Like how there were "things" about me, and how you couldn't come back to New York
I'm mad because you decided so many things for me: what was "best"
Without consulting me a single time, no matter how hard I stressed
That I can make my own decisions based on my knowledge of myself
And what would be good or bad for my own personal mental health
I'm not mad because you didn't stay
Or because you had to have it your way
I'm mad because you wouldn't listen to a fucking word I had to say
I'm mad because I had to defend myself to you, the one who told me that I was okay
I'm mad because you fought with me instead of hearing me out
When I sat there and acknowledged your points, even when I did shout
I know that I was angry often, but I always heard you speak
And I'm mad because you couldn't give me that same courtesy
I'm not mad because you did not return
Or because it was never for only me that you yearned
I'm mad because you told me what I could and could not do
And I'm mad because you told me I wasn't allowed to do anything for you
I'm mad because you never gave me a chance to be someone different
To live the life you live, an adventure I wanted without a shred of ambivalence
I'm not mad because you didn't want me, I wouldn't want me either
I'm mad because I'm mad at myself for believing any of it, I should have been wiser
Or because you gave no warning when you decided to flee
I'm mad because you lied
Not once, but a thousand times
Because you wanted me to hate you, blame you
Because you didn't believe that I was capable enough to hear the truth
I'm mad because you promised to speak up if you ever felt that way
But never spoke a fucking word until two weeks after you walked away
I'm mad because you used "irrational" in your reply that day I told you I had hope
Then one week later, told me you still loved me, one drunken night on the phone
I'm mad that one week after that, you were dating someone new
After I'd fought so hard to make it work because I see only you
I'm mad that most nights, while you slumber soundly, I am unable to sleep
Because thoughts of you creep in my head and thieve my ability to breathe
I'm not mad because you said goodbye
Or because you never had so much as a tear in your eye
I'm mad because you promised that we would work together
To build a future, one step at a time, and never feel weathered
Whatever came our way was something that we could get passed
“One straight line, baby,” we were meant to last
I'm mad that you let me stay each time you told me I should go
I'm mad you'd only text me when you're drunk, the only time your feelings showed
Because each time you sobered up, you had nothing left to say
No texts, no calls, I wouldn’t hear from you for days
I'm not mad because you didn't wait
Or because you wanted her in the first place
I'm mad because I was, to you, so easily replaced
When one month prior, you said you loved me and promised that you would stay
I'm mad about every excuse you made for why we wouldn't work
Like how there were "things" about me, and how you couldn't come back to New York
I'm mad because you decided so many things for me: what was "best"
Without consulting me a single time, no matter how hard I stressed
That I can make my own decisions based on my knowledge of myself
And what would be good or bad for my own personal mental health
I'm not mad because you didn't stay
Or because you had to have it your way
I'm mad because you wouldn't listen to a fucking word I had to say
I'm mad because I had to defend myself to you, the one who told me that I was okay
I'm mad because you fought with me instead of hearing me out
When I sat there and acknowledged your points, even when I did shout
I know that I was angry often, but I always heard you speak
And I'm mad because you couldn't give me that same courtesy
I'm not mad because you did not return
Or because it was never for only me that you yearned
I'm mad because you told me what I could and could not do
And I'm mad because you told me I wasn't allowed to do anything for you
I'm mad because you never gave me a chance to be someone different
To live the life you live, an adventure I wanted without a shred of ambivalence
I'm not mad because you didn't want me, I wouldn't want me either
I'm mad because I'm mad at myself for believing any of it, I should have been wiser