Requiescat in Pace

I remember being twelve years old,
Getting out of the car with my hair still dripping wet
And a huge smile plastered across my face.
I remember opening the door and smelling the cake baking in the oven,
Seeing the square cut sandwiches on the side with a towel over them
Keeping them fresh.
I remember being sixteen and telling you I had my first boyfriend,
Gushing over how much I loved him
While you silently worried about whether he was good enough for your girl.
I remember telling you how well I was doing at school
And how you and grandda would tell me how proud you were.
I remember being twenty four and getting the phonecall that you were in the hospital.
You'd been on holiday,
But sometimes things go wrong and you weren't very well at all.
I remember seeing you, so small in that bed,
With grandda sitting right next to you,
Stroking your feet while you slept an uneasy sleep.
I told you about university and my new boyfriend,
How it was so much different this time
And how you'd really like him when you got to meet him.
I remember the phonecall.
I remember the funeral.
I remember the songs we played and the prayers that were read,
And how each of the children, the grandchildren, the great-grandchildren were spoken of with love.
Six months later, I still remember that feeling of suffocation,
That grief, that loss.
I want to tell you every bit of good news that comes my way.
I want to share in my happiness and admit when I've done wrong.
I wanted you to see me get married,
I wanted to see you knit one of your special cardigans for my children.
I wanted you to stay.
Eighty three years is such a long life and yet, it wasn't enough.
A wise man once said that a heart that's broken is a heart that's been loved;
Well mine is in pieces.
And god I miss you.
I don't think I'm ever going to process this properly,
I don't think I'm ever going to okay with this,
And it just constantly reminds me that this isn't going to be the only loss I face.
It's so selfish of me
And yet it's so not
Because you were my grandmother,
An angel sent down to watch over all of us and guide us through.
Now you're not here and I can't breathe some days.
This weight is crushing me.
Sometimes it goes away and I forget that you're not here;
I think I like that I only remember you when good things happen.
I never want to lose the strength you gave me,
I never want to look in the mirror and not see a little bit of you in me.
I will remember being twenty four and standing in front of your headstone for the first time,
And I will remember you until it's my turn.
I just wanted to say goodbye, one last time.
Mrs Mary Simpson,
I will always love you.