So Close to Giving Up
This is so hard.
I'm so so tired.
I'm tired of fighting myself.
Fighting for my life.
Fighting to love myself, just because apart of my brain wants to destroy me.
I'm so close to giving up again.
I can keep my brain distracted but for how long?
It's starting to cripple me...I don't want to eat, I don't want my loved ones to touch me, I don't want to be around people who love me - I don't want to live.
I'm tired...I'm tired of fighting this invisible battle.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of trying to distract myself.
I'm tired of fighting to not harm myself and I'm tired of fighting to not kill myself.
The more I fight the more numb I get, the less I feel, the less I care.
This pain I feel from my heart to my gut and my brain; It's so crippling.
No one should feel this hopeless.
This excruciating need to kill myself - To end all this pain.
To end this never ending suffering.
I can't love my partner, I can't show people my pain all because my brain wants to close in on itself.
I want this to be over, I want this to end.
I've been fighting for 6 years and each time I go down this rabbit hole the more I sink and feel myself slipping away.
Everyday I imagine myself ending my life. Everyday.
I wake up and don't want to go to work but I go and it distracts me.
Then I drive home and cry because all I think about is ending my life.
But I can't do that, right?
Because everyone around me will suffer.
I can't do it because people want me to be alive, to be apart of there life.
They want to love me and I love them.
How can I love someone else when I can't love myself?
I just don't care anymore.
They are not the ones in pain.
They don't have to argue with themselves, convince themselves that killing yourself is not okay.
They don't have to fight this war that's raging inside of my head.
They are not the ones suffering.
I am - I'm the one who is fighting...and no one knows how little fight I have left in me.
I'm so so tired.
I'm tired of fighting myself.
Fighting for my life.
Fighting to love myself, just because apart of my brain wants to destroy me.
I'm so close to giving up again.
I can keep my brain distracted but for how long?
It's starting to cripple me...I don't want to eat, I don't want my loved ones to touch me, I don't want to be around people who love me - I don't want to live.
I'm tired...I'm tired of fighting this invisible battle.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of trying to distract myself.
I'm tired of fighting to not harm myself and I'm tired of fighting to not kill myself.
The more I fight the more numb I get, the less I feel, the less I care.
This pain I feel from my heart to my gut and my brain; It's so crippling.
No one should feel this hopeless.
This excruciating need to kill myself - To end all this pain.
To end this never ending suffering.
I can't love my partner, I can't show people my pain all because my brain wants to close in on itself.
I want this to be over, I want this to end.
I've been fighting for 6 years and each time I go down this rabbit hole the more I sink and feel myself slipping away.
Everyday I imagine myself ending my life. Everyday.
I wake up and don't want to go to work but I go and it distracts me.
Then I drive home and cry because all I think about is ending my life.
But I can't do that, right?
Because everyone around me will suffer.
I can't do it because people want me to be alive, to be apart of there life.
They want to love me and I love them.
How can I love someone else when I can't love myself?
I just don't care anymore.
They are not the ones in pain.
They don't have to argue with themselves, convince themselves that killing yourself is not okay.
They don't have to fight this war that's raging inside of my head.
They are not the ones suffering.
I am - I'm the one who is fighting...and no one knows how little fight I have left in me.