Twelve Steps

Hi, I'm Brittany
I'm a codependent,
Alcoholic,
Bulimic,
Sex addict,
Cutter.
Hi Brittany.
Clutching my Big Book,
Hearing the clock tick,
I follow along
Reciting the Twelve Steps.
I get stuck on Step One.
I do not feel powerless over my disorders.
I can stop, I just choose not to.
It's my responsibility.
The power lies with me.
And my life is manageable.
All I have to do is drink, eat, and help others.
I am harmless,
Even when there is blood on my sleeves
And the stench of vomit
On my breath.
I don't like the way everyone is looking at me
As if I am toxic
As if I am unwanted
I tell them
I don't want to be here.
They say then leave.
I say fuck you all
And stand up
Sweat and tears on my face
My heart pounding
My teeth clenched
I am shaking, oh God, I am shaking.
But there's no way in hell
I'll surrender to a Higher Power
My disorders
They are my Higher Power.

I want to stay sick forever.