Decisions

The smell of the stained wood darkening the smell of the Earth. The satin pillow beneath my head adding little comfort as I hear the sound of the worms eating away at my prison. I flex my fingers hearing the bones grind against each other. I chose this. I chose this too early. I wish I could enjoy the first dance as a married woman. My first real promotion. I would kill for a cheeseburger and fries. The taste of the grease.

But instead of chose the feel of the rope tightening around my neck. The friction as gravity took hold. Giving myself a punishment that was unjust. Those ten seconds before I blacked out were blissful. At the time.

I keep playing my life back to myself. I chose this. In more ways than just the obvious. I made the choice not to seek help. I chose to isolate myself. I’m the reason that I felt alone. I forced those who wanted in, out. I made myself feel unwanted. I lied to myself. I lied.

I forgot that after a while, life moves on. Life doesn’t care that I’m gone. The next politician will come into power. A new disaster will strike. Someone else will choose the same path I did. In the end they choose to live. I could have gone and finished college. I could have gotten a decent job and learned to live. But I chose to stay in my head and think the worst. I could have done better.

Life is all about decisions. From the very minor. To life changing. We decide. Decisions.