Confrontation.

Well, here I am.

Let me be honest, I did not think I would show.

Surely, I would have contemplated every passable excuse to give that way I didn’t have to make my presence known.

Known to who though?
Friends, family- my lover, my dog, the followers on my social media who quote ‘same’ so blankly and even myself.

You see I tried so hard to slip away and fade from those who went out of their way to keep me known and close. So for once though? I’m barren and left speechless, because I cannot do what I know best.

And what is best for me is not for me to explain to you, or to help anyone understand, how easy it was being fluid with the surrounding emotions and how I used this so very - unforgivingly, often.
Not a soul knew of the constant and determined enemy I battled every day on my own, alone.

So how do you explain to those who love you that your own mind is striking you down at every available opportunity?

How will they ever understand how easy it is to smile and laugh when the center mass of your chest feels like it is collapsing in?

Or that randomly throughout your day your throat closes, your hands and feet go numb, your mind fades, leaving you blindly clutching onto the nearest object just so that you don’t collapse as you try and hold the tears back that you don’t want to spill over.

What triggered this?
What did I do?
I don’t even remember what I thought of last.

But you see- I can’t deal with this every day.

So I go to the doctor.
I take their tests.

Only to find that the antidepressants I swallow make it hard for to get out of bed, and the copious amounts of unhealthy food and netflix binges just remind me of how pathetic I actually am.

The hobbies and loves I once found security in and comfort no longer provide that faint warmth of peace, and only remind me that to get that entails fucking effort.

That effort is energy I simply don’t have anymore.

So as I look in the mirror right now, god damnit- please let me go.

I’m begging you.

I love you.

But I do not know who is staring back at me anymore.
♠ ♠ ♠
My heart was heavy, I just wanted to write this.