Flashback
My heart is racing, I can hear it thudding in my ears
And my mind is spinning stories of the past
So vivid that I can smell them, taste them
And they taste so bad they make me cringe
I am in a flashback
Another world
And the man attacks me again and again
The same scene, over and over
Little details I forgot
Little details I can't forget
How his eyes were so dead
How his smile was crooked
As his hands went places
I told them not to go
And my voice was too weak
To stop him
So I eventually fell silent
And quivered like a coward
As he forced my little mouth open
And pushed my head between his legs
"Brittany? What's going on for you right now?"
I feel my face heat up. I'm in the middle of a therapy group.
The therapist looks concerned
I'm shaking, shaking uncontrollably
And I feel like I'm going to die
My legs won't work
I'm being tugged between past and present,
And I feel all eyes on me.
"I'm just anxious," I say.
Nonchalantly.
"Can you tell us what you are thinking?"
I open my mouth.
But no words will come out.
My mind is blank.
The taste in my mouth is too overpowering.
It is something no child should ever taste
And what was worse was the pain shooting up my spine
When he decided it wasn't enough
And he forced me to the ground
And himself inside of me
Ripping me apart
And I felt my virginity go away so fast, so easily
And the worst part was I just wanted to please him
I wanted to make him happy
I thought maybe he was my prince charming, this man whose hands found their home
On my tiny nine-year old breasts
Maybe this is what love is about
Mommy and Daddy said that sex is when two people love each other
Maybe he loves me, and I love him
But sex isn't allowed until after marriage
So I better not tell.
I blink and come to. Back in the group room.
Someone is talking about something important, and everyone is listening to them
And no one is paying attention to me
No one sees how much I need someone
To just ask me if I'm okay
I just need someone to notice me
To comfort me
To hold me
So I don't go back again
To that world where he is holding me
And saying "I love you, don't tell anyone"
And I hear myself say "I won't tell anyone, it's a secret."
Group is over. I smile at the therapist
And she smiles back,
And I walk out
And drive home.
And my mind is spinning stories of the past
So vivid that I can smell them, taste them
And they taste so bad they make me cringe
I am in a flashback
Another world
And the man attacks me again and again
The same scene, over and over
Little details I forgot
Little details I can't forget
How his eyes were so dead
How his smile was crooked
As his hands went places
I told them not to go
And my voice was too weak
To stop him
So I eventually fell silent
And quivered like a coward
As he forced my little mouth open
And pushed my head between his legs
"Brittany? What's going on for you right now?"
I feel my face heat up. I'm in the middle of a therapy group.
The therapist looks concerned
I'm shaking, shaking uncontrollably
And I feel like I'm going to die
My legs won't work
I'm being tugged between past and present,
And I feel all eyes on me.
"I'm just anxious," I say.
Nonchalantly.
"Can you tell us what you are thinking?"
I open my mouth.
But no words will come out.
My mind is blank.
The taste in my mouth is too overpowering.
It is something no child should ever taste
And what was worse was the pain shooting up my spine
When he decided it wasn't enough
And he forced me to the ground
And himself inside of me
Ripping me apart
And I felt my virginity go away so fast, so easily
And the worst part was I just wanted to please him
I wanted to make him happy
I thought maybe he was my prince charming, this man whose hands found their home
On my tiny nine-year old breasts
Maybe this is what love is about
Mommy and Daddy said that sex is when two people love each other
Maybe he loves me, and I love him
But sex isn't allowed until after marriage
So I better not tell.
I blink and come to. Back in the group room.
Someone is talking about something important, and everyone is listening to them
And no one is paying attention to me
No one sees how much I need someone
To just ask me if I'm okay
I just need someone to notice me
To comfort me
To hold me
So I don't go back again
To that world where he is holding me
And saying "I love you, don't tell anyone"
And I hear myself say "I won't tell anyone, it's a secret."
Group is over. I smile at the therapist
And she smiles back,
And I walk out
And drive home.