Through Love and Pain

Dear daughter
I write this in hopes that some day
When you're old enough to understand.
You understand who I am
And not all is what it seems

Now your mother..
She's a wonderful woman,
But I feel like I know her less and less
Like my growing trust begging to be repressed
See you, you can always trust in her,
She will always have your back..
And so will I
Me and your mom just dont see eye to eye..
So everytime you wonder why
Daddy aint there, where am I?
Why am I always gone from your life

See I could spend eternity thinking about that
And Ill never be able to answer it through
No matter what you might hear
I always got moms back too
Its complicated love but I promise
Ill always be with you.

Seeing how much you grow
It scares the shit out of me
I have a darkness in my heart
That I dont want you to see
And id fucking give it all
So that, from that, you'd be free
If thats the case
Ill never have enough
Im never giving up
Id keep on fighting forever
So you can have the love.
That I never got.

My family is so fucked up hun
I just pray you wont be another one
I hope the chaos inside
Finds a place to hide
Then you can always smile,
Ten miles wide.

Its almost christmas now,
I got you a gift but its kind of shit
I sit and stare at it, feeling empty with it
Id rather be with you as a gift
But this fucking stuffed animal,
It will have to be enough
You see daddy is broke as fuck
Always down on my luck
Sending your mom every single buck,
So you can sleep sound and eat up

I try not to think about wether or not
You will remember me or not
It makes me cry when i think
About how your baby hands would
Travel my face, a smile in place
Ive never felt so human with you
And Ill never feel human without you.

My therapist says I should keep writing to you
She says its good for me and would be for you too
She says its good but I still feel like shit
She just wants to make sure that daddy is okay
And thats okay, even your dad needs help

Not sure what else to say right now
It kind of helps that you're still so young
All I can never be afraid
Always look to the sky when you feel the pain
Remember that we share the stars and the rain
We are connected forever
I'll see you again..