Ryan
He overdosed on heroin January 5th on a Thursday
He had work the next morning and so did I
My life was rapid and I had plans for school and jobs
We had pizza for dinner, and he went out and bought me my favorite ice cream
He helped me paint the dinning room table
And we smile and laugh and we made it
He was late, but he had a reason
He always did
We didn’t smoke in our little love nest apartment then, and he left to have a smoke, right before bed
I stayed up waiting and reading and hoping he’d walk through the door and see how beautiful I was when I was reading
But he never came
And it wasn’t uncommon for him to get so sucked up into car videos he was a kidnapping victim of a bright blue screen. But eventually he would find him way back. Eventually
But eventually never came and an hour went by, and I tried to sleep, but a voice inside called to me, screaming ,get to him. I was angry and irritated, because I was gonna find my boyfriend, in saftey of his warm car, sucked into something that wasn’t me, and I was jealous to know such a simple screen could rob him from me. I was gonna demand he come inside, and question if he knew what time he was-on a work night -no less. He was gonna make me go get him in the cold.
I put on my ratty slippers, and had on leopard pajama pants, no bra and three sweaters, my hair was a wreck. I had no makeup. I felt a lot like my mom which was humiliating but I knew I’d be right back. I walked down the hallway and out the door, to the parking lot of our apartment and he’s getting out of his car, and I’m relieved I don’t have to go outside, it’s 5 degrees. But he’s not. He’s just..sitting there. I half run to him.. and I think he’s joking, his head is on his lap, and he’s snoring. Very slowly. I think he’s sleeping, or joking..he’s not. I shake him and hit him and scream at him. I keep hitting him. i keep screaming at him and it starts to hurt. I pray, and I look for his phone.
His body is heavy and he’s really cold, and his blue, and feels rough.
I scream and run back into the apartment building. I try to stay calm. But I feel like I’m not. I wake up apartment 17 and scream and plead “CALL AN AMBULENCE MY BOYFRIEND, he’s IN THE PARKING LOT BARELY BREATHING PLEASE PLEASE HELP AND PLEASE”
He’s overdosing and dying and freezing to death
Apartment 17 is a man in his 20 in shorts, and he’s scared and I’m making it worse. He calls. He calls and gives all the information he can, and we go outside again. He still won’t wake up.
He has six breaths per minute.
He’s cold.
I’m loosing him tonight
I cry a lot
We have to drag him out of his car
He’s really tall and awkward and sad and limp
We drag him into the icy pavement
“WATCH HIS HEAD PLEASE WATCH HIS HEAD”
And he place him on the floor with the care of a child
We give cpr, and take turns
I give my boyfriend who is the light of my life, who’s sober and vibrant and beautiful cpr on the parent at 10pm on a Thursday night and its 5 degrees
He won’t wake up
It feels like forever until the ambulene gets there, but because i know that theyre comming i feel so much better. I have a feeling hes going to be okay tonight, reflief washes over me in a way.
They get there and hes on the pavement. everyone is really calm and i feel odd because it seems like its not going to be okay anymore and i get scared. they ask me his information and between breaths i try my best to tell them so they can help him
they keep telling me to stay calm and im sad about that.
A woman goes over to him, an EMT. she starts CPR and i watch. Hes not responding and everything seems to be happening really fast and slow and it feels like a dream.
Two cops approach and they ask me the information again and they ask me where he keeps his drugs. I get in the car where he sat and find the drugs almost instantly. I give the vops the drugs and more information on him. I find his phone. I put it in my pocket.
Before i know it theyre putting him into an ambulence and i wanna go with him.
I do.
1 nacan.
Nothing
I look through his phone and hes cheating on me
2 narcan
I find multiple women
3 Narcan
Turn on the siren
I want him to die
4 Nacan
He wakes up screaming and cryinig
He wont stop hitting the EMTS and hes taking his clothes off
we get to this hospital
he looks pasty and blue and red and pathetic
hes being violent and aggressive
I dont know who this is
He spits on me and bites and cusses and keeps saying
"help me"
He spends hours in the hospital and inbetween rests he gets up and looks disoreiented and sad and patheitic
I let him know i know
E V E R Y T H I N G
He acts like this is the reason hes upset
that i found out, and he is.
In his perfect would he could happily use heroin, have the girlfriend and other women
He wants this, but it came to a halt rapidly and hes upset his empire is falling before him
At 5AM we leave. And he keeps crying. we take an uber home.
I try my hardest to remember how sick this person is/
we get home
and i smoke in the room
for the first time, i smoke in my apartment
I want to leave him
He has really sad eyes and he begs me tot alk with him and i call him stupid and i tell him to leave me alone
my mouth is dry
hands are shaky
my stomach turns
my eyes hurt
and my head is tired
i try to sleep, i do
every 3 minutes i wake up and check if hes breathing, like life is going to take him from me if i dont watch over him. Its really sad and i feel sick all the time
He sleeps through the night well, and i cant stop worrying that he might just dissapear.
The following day is mostly spent on the phone with concerned relatives of his.
They call me like i know the answer and i dont
its not helping because i keep having to tell the story over adn over again and everyones worried about him.
its always about him.
Not only can he overdose on heroin and cheat on me, but his family will enable this behavior and beg me to stay with him because i saved his life and he needs me
He had work the next morning and so did I
My life was rapid and I had plans for school and jobs
We had pizza for dinner, and he went out and bought me my favorite ice cream
He helped me paint the dinning room table
And we smile and laugh and we made it
He was late, but he had a reason
He always did
We didn’t smoke in our little love nest apartment then, and he left to have a smoke, right before bed
I stayed up waiting and reading and hoping he’d walk through the door and see how beautiful I was when I was reading
But he never came
And it wasn’t uncommon for him to get so sucked up into car videos he was a kidnapping victim of a bright blue screen. But eventually he would find him way back. Eventually
But eventually never came and an hour went by, and I tried to sleep, but a voice inside called to me, screaming ,get to him. I was angry and irritated, because I was gonna find my boyfriend, in saftey of his warm car, sucked into something that wasn’t me, and I was jealous to know such a simple screen could rob him from me. I was gonna demand he come inside, and question if he knew what time he was-on a work night -no less. He was gonna make me go get him in the cold.
I put on my ratty slippers, and had on leopard pajama pants, no bra and three sweaters, my hair was a wreck. I had no makeup. I felt a lot like my mom which was humiliating but I knew I’d be right back. I walked down the hallway and out the door, to the parking lot of our apartment and he’s getting out of his car, and I’m relieved I don’t have to go outside, it’s 5 degrees. But he’s not. He’s just..sitting there. I half run to him.. and I think he’s joking, his head is on his lap, and he’s snoring. Very slowly. I think he’s sleeping, or joking..he’s not. I shake him and hit him and scream at him. I keep hitting him. i keep screaming at him and it starts to hurt. I pray, and I look for his phone.
His body is heavy and he’s really cold, and his blue, and feels rough.
I scream and run back into the apartment building. I try to stay calm. But I feel like I’m not. I wake up apartment 17 and scream and plead “CALL AN AMBULENCE MY BOYFRIEND, he’s IN THE PARKING LOT BARELY BREATHING PLEASE PLEASE HELP AND PLEASE”
He’s overdosing and dying and freezing to death
Apartment 17 is a man in his 20 in shorts, and he’s scared and I’m making it worse. He calls. He calls and gives all the information he can, and we go outside again. He still won’t wake up.
He has six breaths per minute.
He’s cold.
I’m loosing him tonight
I cry a lot
We have to drag him out of his car
He’s really tall and awkward and sad and limp
We drag him into the icy pavement
“WATCH HIS HEAD PLEASE WATCH HIS HEAD”
And he place him on the floor with the care of a child
We give cpr, and take turns
I give my boyfriend who is the light of my life, who’s sober and vibrant and beautiful cpr on the parent at 10pm on a Thursday night and its 5 degrees
He won’t wake up
It feels like forever until the ambulene gets there, but because i know that theyre comming i feel so much better. I have a feeling hes going to be okay tonight, reflief washes over me in a way.
They get there and hes on the pavement. everyone is really calm and i feel odd because it seems like its not going to be okay anymore and i get scared. they ask me his information and between breaths i try my best to tell them so they can help him
they keep telling me to stay calm and im sad about that.
A woman goes over to him, an EMT. she starts CPR and i watch. Hes not responding and everything seems to be happening really fast and slow and it feels like a dream.
Two cops approach and they ask me the information again and they ask me where he keeps his drugs. I get in the car where he sat and find the drugs almost instantly. I give the vops the drugs and more information on him. I find his phone. I put it in my pocket.
Before i know it theyre putting him into an ambulence and i wanna go with him.
I do.
1 nacan.
Nothing
I look through his phone and hes cheating on me
2 narcan
I find multiple women
3 Narcan
Turn on the siren
I want him to die
4 Nacan
He wakes up screaming and cryinig
He wont stop hitting the EMTS and hes taking his clothes off
we get to this hospital
he looks pasty and blue and red and pathetic
hes being violent and aggressive
I dont know who this is
He spits on me and bites and cusses and keeps saying
"help me"
He spends hours in the hospital and inbetween rests he gets up and looks disoreiented and sad and patheitic
I let him know i know
E V E R Y T H I N G
He acts like this is the reason hes upset
that i found out, and he is.
In his perfect would he could happily use heroin, have the girlfriend and other women
He wants this, but it came to a halt rapidly and hes upset his empire is falling before him
At 5AM we leave. And he keeps crying. we take an uber home.
I try my hardest to remember how sick this person is/
we get home
and i smoke in the room
for the first time, i smoke in my apartment
I want to leave him
He has really sad eyes and he begs me tot alk with him and i call him stupid and i tell him to leave me alone
my mouth is dry
hands are shaky
my stomach turns
my eyes hurt
and my head is tired
i try to sleep, i do
every 3 minutes i wake up and check if hes breathing, like life is going to take him from me if i dont watch over him. Its really sad and i feel sick all the time
He sleeps through the night well, and i cant stop worrying that he might just dissapear.
The following day is mostly spent on the phone with concerned relatives of his.
They call me like i know the answer and i dont
its not helping because i keep having to tell the story over adn over again and everyones worried about him.
its always about him.
Not only can he overdose on heroin and cheat on me, but his family will enable this behavior and beg me to stay with him because i saved his life and he needs me