Silence

How can someone who laughs so much be so fucking miserable?
I don’t feel it, not usually.
But in the silence of the night
When the children are asleep and I lie in bed alone
I am screaming.
One hole fills as another gapes open
Exposing scarred flesh and angry white bone.
How can one be happy when the
Ever-looming threat of silence
claws at it’s box
Screeching and scratching until it finds a way out?
It’s no wonder I don’t allow myself the luxury of thought.
If I keep my mind quiet
I can train myself to ignore the silence
In all it’s volume
Until finally I’m allowed to embrace the dark emptiness of sleep.
I’ve ruined lives
Countless times
And had mine ruined more.
Uprooted repeatedly from lives I’ve lived
As well as lives I’ve loved.
Is this the fate that
The Big Whatever
Has in store for me?
Please just let me die.
I don’t want to feel anymore.
I don’t want to
Think or
Breathe or
Listen or
Learn or
Live. No more.