The Words I Emailed Him.

And here I am,
Screaming on the top of my lungs
Bleeding inside continuously
Covering my eyes,
Hoping that I'm either going to die
Or wake up somewhere else,
Somewhere new,
Where I can't be tortured.
I want to wake up to flowers everywhere;
The sound of nature is all I want to hear
Cause' what you're doing to me
Is making me drown repeatedly
And I can't get a hold of reality.
I'm so so sorry I'm this way.
I'm so sorry with all of my being
That I lost my sanity
And I've completely lost my mind like this.
Believe me,
It was never my intention,
Never in a billion years
Did I want to become this;
To be this nasty son of a bitch.
I’m ugly inside and out,
Having trouble catching my breath.
I hear these voices in my head
And I can't escape.
I don't sleep at night
Because I'm too busy shaking,
Cause’ you're crawling under my skin;
Running through my veins;
Creating tumors around my organs,
Strangling my fragile heart;
My brain doesn't know what to think.
My body is attacking itself,
Doesn't know what's real;
Thinks everything is an enemy,
Decides to destroy me.
But boy,
I'm pleading,
Please,
I'm begging,
Have fucking mercy.
I know I've fucked up
And done wrong.
Boy, am I sorry
For everything that I've done.
It kills me more than you'll ever know
And these words
Probably don't mean shit to you,
And I'm alright with that
Cause' I don't expect these words
To mean anything to anyone,
But myself.
I'm shaking,
Cringing;
I can't make sense to you,
Show you,
Or open my god damn mouth
To explain
Cause’ when I'm hurt,
Boy,
Do I fucking break.
I break to no end,
I bleed with every fiber of my being
And I fucking scream
With everything in me
Until people look at me
Like I'm crazy.
I'm insane,
I know
And I can't change my ways.
I don't know what's happening
To my body.
All I know
Is that I'm degrading here,
Rotting,
Until there's not a strand left of me.
I'm suffocating inside,
Don’t you see?
I can't get out of this.
I can't crack out of whatever I'm in.
I can't see the light,
I can't even imagine
What it's like
Not to be in this continuous fight.
Boy, I'm not trying to fight with you,
That's the last thing on my mind.
I don't want to start anything with you.
I don't want to go back
And forth with you.
I don't want to rip you.
I don't want to hurt you
And it's because I fucking love you,
But my heart is too damaged,
Too destroyed;
There's nothing left in it for me to pursue.
I'm fucking nothing,
Useless,
Worthless;
Ashamed of my well-being;
Hate myself for everything
I've ever done to you,
Myself,
My family,
And everyone around me.
I'm not proud of anything
I've done in my life.
I'm disappointed
And it makes me sick
Every single day.
I try to forget these awful,
Terrible,
Negative feelings
And thoughts
Running through my brain,
But they don't exit.
Instead,
They linger,
And affect every part of my well-being.
Makes me blind;
I even forget to breathe sometimes.
I'm running out of words to say.
I've completely lost my precious soul
And I know I'll never get it back.
It makes me cry every day,
Every fucking day,
Do you even see?
I'm on the ground;
I bled for thirty minutes before
And I didn't want to tell you,
But I don't know what to do.
My body is acting strange these days,
Every hour that passes by.
Boy,
Don't forget how much
I'm suffering through this pain.
I try,
I try really hard
To get up in the morning
And start a new day,
But the Earth is pulling me
So far down deep towards the core,
I don't know how to fight it,
Don't know how to overcome it
And say I made it.