My Vice and My Virtue

The taste is foul.
It burns my throat
The smoke singes my lungs
I am destroying my body in order to numb the pain

Dull the ever consistent ache
Ease the weight of the world off my shoulders.
The embers glow red against the blackened night
The liquid slowly taking the feeling from my limbs
From my mind.

Everything is hazy
Hazy like the smoke that billows from the ignited cigarette
Floating without a care towards the stars
Floating without a purpose, simply disappearing into the black abyss.

Staring at the smoke I become envious
Wishing I too could float off and dissipate without a care
Would anyone notice?
Am I just smoke in this world? Born to just
Disappear?
Ignited just to numb the pain?

Am I worse than nicotine?
I hurt those around me without meaning to
I drive those who try to get close away
I am afraid of intimacy, of commitment
I am malfunctioned
I am broken
I am worse than any drug known to man.
I am me. I am broken. I am worthless. I am the substance used to forget the world.
The world becomes lost in the chaos
The alcohol blurs my judgement
Makes me feel whole
Makes me feel normal.

Everything feels okay.
Everything feels warm and tingly.
The thoughts are silenced
The pain is forgotten.

I wake up the next day to a headache and the taste of regret
Stale cigarettes and and empty bottle lay next to me.
Time to start another day only to end it the exact same way.
Alone with my two best friends
A pack of marbollo reds and a fifth of vodka.
I am home.