Would You Rather?

Would you rather die very quickly or slowly?

I would rather die quickly

Because I don’t want to go through years of pain
I don’t want to wonder if I will be around next year
Or if this is my last Christmas or birthday
I don’t want to be given false hope
Only to be knocked over by waves again and again

I don’t want to see my family give up everything for me
I don’t want them to see me crying or feeling sad for myself
I don’t want them to have to be strong for me
I don’t want them to worry about if they tell me they love me enough every time they see me
Or wonder if that will be the last I love you they say
I don’t want them always keeping their phone on loud
Just to hear what hospital I am at now

I don’t want my friends to see me change
I don’t want them to feel like they can’t be themselves around me
I don’t want to make them uncomfortable, as it gets harder for me to walk
Or when I end up in a wheelchair
I don’t want them to treat me differently because of a disease
I don’t want them all to disappear.

I don’t want to wait for my time to run out
Wondering if I said I love you to everyone I love
If I said goodbye the proper way
If I left any other memories in peoples hearts other than being known as “the sick one.”

More time doesn’t always mean you can spend it how you want and are able to do everything you want.
We all die eventually.
And instead of putting those I love through years of pain, lost hope, and crushing reality,
I would rather die quickly.