12:34 AM

When I hear how my mom was asked
"What do you have to be sad about?"
When I search for an atom of comprehension
As I reveal my burden to the world,
I lose hope for communication between you and I.
How do I describe what it feels like
To hurt so deep the only remedy is tears,
But I can't figure out why I hurt?
How do I tell you how, in high school,
I wrote a story about a girl
Who killed everyone she'd ever known
Because I couldn't cry in class
And I was the source of her rage?
I could tell you that I feel my loneliest
With fifty people surrounding me
Or how I can really, truly hate myself
As I declare "I am the epitome of awesome".
When my family moved, I picked my room
Because there were trees and light but also
Because I could see myself in that closet
Curled in a corner and sobbing when I needed it.
Sometimes sleep is my only reprieve.
Sometimes my brain thinks and thinks and thinks
Until, rocking myself, I close my eyes and beg,
"Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up".
But even if I told you, would you believe?
Because when I look at you, I smile,
And the darkness hides.