Forgiveness 7/8/2019
As it seems I've come full circle
I open my eyes to a life I don't recognize
so many days I prayed myself away from pain
and searched for the light
now as I'm here
I wonder who gave me this second chance
I'm undeserving of the beauty and wonder that I have
Every day I struggle with the realization
Of having all my dreams come true
Better than imagination
What could be missing now
I have to say the truth
A husband, two kids, and true joy I have found
But I have yet to forgive myself
Growing up I never truly knew love
I never gave an honest answer
I felt I was good for nothing but a fuck
Always searching for affection in lust
So many people I hurt along the way
So many times
"Sorry" I never got to say
The list of compiled hearts is my burden to take
How I wish I knew then what I know now
How I wish I could go back
And love me first somehow
I was so young, so filled with sorrow
My tear-soaked pillow
My head always in fear of tomorrow
How I could I understand the value of a promise
When I lacked all morality you gain with knowledge
I believe now I needed to live it
To find myself full circle
with eyes wide open
I've learned so many hard lessons over the years
Nothing but mistakes I had to make to get here
I always think Time had a plan
But in order for me to understand
I had to take pain by the hand
As it led me through the flames
From ashes came new life
A new woman, a mother, a wife
Yes I carry the weight of a million woes
On my back every day but nobody knows
I stare into my daughter's eyes strong with purpose
to give her the love I needed
For she does not deserve this
So she, herself,
won't ever have to carry
This unbearable curse that time does marry
I was so young and I did not notice
that when you dig yourself in a hole
You can dig yourself in very deep
And yes you can find your way out
But never again can you feel clean
You will never forget
What darkness the hole brought you
At times the dirt feels like it becomes you
Even if you make it out
With certainty, there is no doubt
It has changed you
Without it then
You could not be who you are now
As I kiss dreamy eyes and sleepy heads
and my kids drift off to bed
I remember the dirt has touched my skin
Making it hard for me to sleep again
A familiar face has reared its head
Guilt is here, an old friend
I try to forgive myself because I have changed my ways
I know that I could use my pain
but the shame never goes away
Do I deserve this beautiful life I have?
While others are still praying for a taste of what I have?
My intentions are good and my heart is big
but the past has been written
Myself, I find hard to forgive
I open my eyes to a life I don't recognize
so many days I prayed myself away from pain
and searched for the light
now as I'm here
I wonder who gave me this second chance
I'm undeserving of the beauty and wonder that I have
Every day I struggle with the realization
Of having all my dreams come true
Better than imagination
What could be missing now
I have to say the truth
A husband, two kids, and true joy I have found
But I have yet to forgive myself
Growing up I never truly knew love
I never gave an honest answer
I felt I was good for nothing but a fuck
Always searching for affection in lust
So many people I hurt along the way
So many times
"Sorry" I never got to say
The list of compiled hearts is my burden to take
How I wish I knew then what I know now
How I wish I could go back
And love me first somehow
I was so young, so filled with sorrow
My tear-soaked pillow
My head always in fear of tomorrow
How I could I understand the value of a promise
When I lacked all morality you gain with knowledge
I believe now I needed to live it
To find myself full circle
with eyes wide open
I've learned so many hard lessons over the years
Nothing but mistakes I had to make to get here
I always think Time had a plan
But in order for me to understand
I had to take pain by the hand
As it led me through the flames
From ashes came new life
A new woman, a mother, a wife
Yes I carry the weight of a million woes
On my back every day but nobody knows
I stare into my daughter's eyes strong with purpose
to give her the love I needed
For she does not deserve this
So she, herself,
won't ever have to carry
This unbearable curse that time does marry
I was so young and I did not notice
that when you dig yourself in a hole
You can dig yourself in very deep
And yes you can find your way out
But never again can you feel clean
You will never forget
What darkness the hole brought you
At times the dirt feels like it becomes you
Even if you make it out
With certainty, there is no doubt
It has changed you
Without it then
You could not be who you are now
As I kiss dreamy eyes and sleepy heads
and my kids drift off to bed
I remember the dirt has touched my skin
Making it hard for me to sleep again
A familiar face has reared its head
Guilt is here, an old friend
I try to forgive myself because I have changed my ways
I know that I could use my pain
but the shame never goes away
Do I deserve this beautiful life I have?
While others are still praying for a taste of what I have?
My intentions are good and my heart is big
but the past has been written
Myself, I find hard to forgive