You Apologised
I just wanted it to be healthy
I wanted it to be lengthy
Of course, I’m talking about a relationship that barely began
Of course, none of that went according to plan
You decided what you wanted early on
And it was me you placed expectations upon
While I looked at you with an open mind
You couldn’t even manage to be kind
When I cried in your bedroom
And you made me feel as if I had no room
To feel my own fucking emotions if it wasn’t about you
And you apologised.
You made me feel like one of your objects
You made me feel like nothing more than sex
I had to stop going over to your place
Because you didn’t understand the concept of a “slow pace”
No matter how many times I asked to be heard
You never listened to a single fucking word
Because if what we wanted was discordant
What you wanted was more important
And you apologised.
You said “I’m sorry” more times than I can count
But you never really took me into account
Until I threatened the relationship you wanted all along
And I guess that’s where it all went wrong
Because I decided to point that out
And you still didn’t seem to grasp what it was about
I thought I had explained it well, I hoped for a shift
That’s when you began to drift
And you apologised.
Though maybe drift isn’t the right word
Because you suddenly did the absurd
And you ghosted me
I couldn’t believe
That four whole days of deafening silence had passed
And then you used my nickname when you asked
What I needed at the front desk
I was a wreck
And you apologised.
But I couldn’t just sit back and let you do it again
That was the second time you stood me up then
You’d made it perfectly clear that I didn’t matter
And you were full of excuses that just made me madder
So I sucked in my feelings and buried them deep
Why should I care when you don’t give a shit about me?
I pretended I didn’t feel a fucking thing
Apparently I was quite convincing
And you apologised.
I was certain my feelings had died
I had told you as much about a thousand times
You apologised again, said you finally knew where you went wrong
Even though I had given you bulleted points all along
You called me a “manic pixie dream girl”
And it made me want to fucking hurl
Because I am not an emotional crutch for men to lean on
I am a person with feelings and no idea how to respond
When you tell me that you’re in love with me after all that you’ve done
And act like you are the one hurting most in the long run
When all I had ever asked was to be treated like a person
When I was the victim of your coercion
When all I wanted was for you to be honest
And you were not, even though you had promised
That you would be
I thought I set myself free
But I kept asking you to come around
Kept inviting you over to my fucking house
Waiting for your texts and asking you to call
Even though it made me feel so fucking small
I kept offering you food and cigarettes and hugs
And making you coffee in my stupid little mugs
Finding any excuse at all to see you
Or find fucking anything for us to do
Together
But it turns out that I was an idiot
Because your next relationship was almost immediate
And of course I was in a vulnerable state
Just enough to realise that I was too late
Because my feelings for you had never really died
I had just found a deep, dark place for them to hide
Until the moment you found someone new
And I felt my heart tear in two
A week ago you had wished you were dating me
And I guess I was just too dumb to see
That you didn’t understand a fucking thing
About where you had gone wrong in what you might call our “fling”
Because you lied to me the day you started dating her
And hid from me just what you two were
So I got drunk and I yelled and I cried
And I asked you again and again why you fucking lied
But you just apologised.
I wanted it to be lengthy
Of course, I’m talking about a relationship that barely began
Of course, none of that went according to plan
You decided what you wanted early on
And it was me you placed expectations upon
While I looked at you with an open mind
You couldn’t even manage to be kind
When I cried in your bedroom
And you made me feel as if I had no room
To feel my own fucking emotions if it wasn’t about you
And you apologised.
You made me feel like one of your objects
You made me feel like nothing more than sex
I had to stop going over to your place
Because you didn’t understand the concept of a “slow pace”
No matter how many times I asked to be heard
You never listened to a single fucking word
Because if what we wanted was discordant
What you wanted was more important
And you apologised.
You said “I’m sorry” more times than I can count
But you never really took me into account
Until I threatened the relationship you wanted all along
And I guess that’s where it all went wrong
Because I decided to point that out
And you still didn’t seem to grasp what it was about
I thought I had explained it well, I hoped for a shift
That’s when you began to drift
And you apologised.
Though maybe drift isn’t the right word
Because you suddenly did the absurd
And you ghosted me
I couldn’t believe
That four whole days of deafening silence had passed
And then you used my nickname when you asked
What I needed at the front desk
I was a wreck
And you apologised.
But I couldn’t just sit back and let you do it again
That was the second time you stood me up then
You’d made it perfectly clear that I didn’t matter
And you were full of excuses that just made me madder
So I sucked in my feelings and buried them deep
Why should I care when you don’t give a shit about me?
I pretended I didn’t feel a fucking thing
Apparently I was quite convincing
And you apologised.
I was certain my feelings had died
I had told you as much about a thousand times
You apologised again, said you finally knew where you went wrong
Even though I had given you bulleted points all along
You called me a “manic pixie dream girl”
And it made me want to fucking hurl
Because I am not an emotional crutch for men to lean on
I am a person with feelings and no idea how to respond
When you tell me that you’re in love with me after all that you’ve done
And act like you are the one hurting most in the long run
When all I had ever asked was to be treated like a person
When I was the victim of your coercion
When all I wanted was for you to be honest
And you were not, even though you had promised
That you would be
I thought I set myself free
But I kept asking you to come around
Kept inviting you over to my fucking house
Waiting for your texts and asking you to call
Even though it made me feel so fucking small
I kept offering you food and cigarettes and hugs
And making you coffee in my stupid little mugs
Finding any excuse at all to see you
Or find fucking anything for us to do
Together
But it turns out that I was an idiot
Because your next relationship was almost immediate
And of course I was in a vulnerable state
Just enough to realise that I was too late
Because my feelings for you had never really died
I had just found a deep, dark place for them to hide
Until the moment you found someone new
And I felt my heart tear in two
A week ago you had wished you were dating me
And I guess I was just too dumb to see
That you didn’t understand a fucking thing
About where you had gone wrong in what you might call our “fling”
Because you lied to me the day you started dating her
And hid from me just what you two were
So I got drunk and I yelled and I cried
And I asked you again and again why you fucking lied
But you just apologised.