Woman of the Wind

You watched as I tried to drown myself
trying to hold me, like water in your hands
trying to put me back on the shelf
as I just slipped away
with all my insane demands
pushing back and pulling away
lost in hellish mental lands
as you tried to save my soul
and keep me afloat
but I drilled all the holes
in our sinking boat

told myself you pulled me down
and threw me up on a pedestal
it's just easy when you're living in another town
to say that I'm some kind of precious metal
thought that once you saw the world
you wouldn't wanna settle
as all my ugliness unfurled

didn't think I was worth my weight in shit
didn't believe you, not one little bit
never truly listened when you sang your love song
only heard those wicked voices screaming in my mind
telling me you had got it all wrong
and there was nothing but fool's gold for you to find

such a stubborn, wild thing
with nothing but heartbreak to bring
and maybe a glimmer or two of joy
but it wasn't what you deserved boy

So in an insecure daze
I tried my best in all the wrong ways
tried to bake your bread
make sure you were well fed
wore pushup bras and thongs
grew my hair out long
just trying to preserve what I didn't deserve
cuz god only knows why I was the one you chose
thought maybe if you always wanted to make love to me
maybe you would never leave me

but it wasn't nearly enough
I always gave it to you rough
how the hell did you keep on loving me?
the girl that lives on the whims of the wind
those winds I was always running from
til my feet were raw and skinned
curled up, sucking my bleeding thumb

if only you could've known
that whether it's the souêtes or the snow squalls
she'll leave you battered and scattered
and you’d better believe it's gonna take a lot of balls
to keep that girl on a tether
as she changes like the weather
with a silver lining lit up by lightning
so conductive and so destructive
you better believe it's gonna be frightening

So like a dog that doesn't know its home
chasing fast cars when you let it loose
my mouth was all covered in foam,
as I slipped in and out of the noose
coming back for food and shelter
lost somewhere in all the dark,
you caught me running helter-skelter
with a bite worse than the bark
and I found myself back in the pound
wishing I was homeward bound

but I was rightfully all alone
reaping what I had sown
living on the scraps I was thrown
making friends with the darkness
trying to forget your likeness
and your loving kindness
I just kept digging my ditches
and scratching my itches

so high on monoamines
from all those fucked up genes
I danced and twirled
thinking I was on top of the world
howling at the moon
heart like a balloon,
full of hot air
not one worry or care
til I relapsed and collapsed
dizzy and sick
covered in the cum of pricks
raped and ripped up -
just when I thought things were looking up

gunning straight for the sun
on shiny new wings of wax
still I desperately tried to find my one
something to cover the tracks
worn by the circles I kept running in
something to wash away all that sin
living a minimal life to the max
taking pills to stop the heart attacks
figured if I wasn't by myself
I just wouldn't have to live with myself

Drifting in acrid clouds of smoke
Fixing to get higher than the stratosphere
just calm enough until it leaves me broke;
it's easy to say fuck you to the fear
when you're in the eye of the storm
still trying to touch the sun
won't let the doctor make me conform
until I inevitably come undone
on my melted wings of wax;
left picking up the sticky pieces
paying the tax
on all those leases,
all those loans
that I signed to fix these broken bones

I had grasped at that hollow happiness
again and again and again
becoming worthy of less and less
seeking comfort from other men

the truth always comes too late
after all the struggle and hate
after you take the bait
and choke on the hook
cast by some fucking mook
almost being eaten alive
thinking you're just trying to survive

now I know it's fuckin pathetic
how I felt so exonerated
saying it's all genetic
leaving you so aggravated
but the love was magnetic
and you felt so obligated

such a spoiled little brat
I just couldn't keep living like that
like a little hypomaniac
I knew I couldn't keep making up for it
acting like a nymphomaniac
it's all comin’ up roses, feeling euphoric
til I'm nearly pushin’ up daisies, totally dysphoric
didn't deserve a saviour with all that bad behaviour

so I finally got me that lithium
to keep me in equilibrium
tried to change the way I think
and got my daddy to pay the shrink

sucked up the blood and the muck
stared right back at that abyss
let it hit me like a truck
let myself reminisce
‘til I was thunderstruck
and you were all I could miss
cuz I flushed my memories down the drain
trying to tranquilize that righteous pain
Living in the present but still full of resent
didn't want to think you might’ve been right
when the brightest day faded into the darkest night

cuz the sun always sets
on a spinning world with no safe bets
on a sinning girl without any faith
you gave me seven days a week but I wanted the eighth
always counting on you yet betting against you

So I learned to walk on my own
and I wanted you to see that I've grown
I fell down but you had to give me that push
I was a little baby bathed in kush
a petulant child
who had to wake up and face the wild
no longer swaddled and coddled
I saw I was the one that was wrong all along
it's no mystery; I just tried to rewrite history
Came up with my own version of you
When it hurt too much to love you

Now I just wanna walk by your side
dealing with all that I lack
instead of whipping your hide
and breaking your back
treating you like a beast of burden
weighed down with all of my baggage
as if love were like some old adage

Because suddenly
I'd give away all my money
just to hear your voice of honey
just to hear it say
"it's all gonna be okay
yeah the sun sets,
but there's gonna be a new day
and you're gonna see it yet"