I Wish You Would Stop Telling Me Things
Things - like how I knew what rape was before I knew what making love was.
You always tell me the bad first and make sure I know the good can be just as, if not worse, than the bad.
When a human touches me, my skin crawls away, shrinking into itself like plastic warps when exposed to heat.
My body - this body - is a trap society covets and degrades in equal measure.
Most girls learn this in early adulthood; I learned this in the cradle.
Things - like how just because someone acts like they want you doesn't mean they really do.
You lost your virginity to a boy who didn't love you (he loved your best friend) but settled for you.
When you gave him that piece of you, you knew this, and still you settled.
My mantra has become "never settle" and the thought of "settling down" sounds like a betrayal of myself and,
Most of the time falling in love sounds like a compromise - as in I am compromising a piece of myself for them. Never.
Things - like how you smiled and said that you wouldn't mind dying today, tomorrow, in a few years.
You said you didn't mind because you had done your best, and yes, you have. But,
When you die with that same smile on your face just know that I can't wait to join you.
My relationship with Death is a healthy curious one, there is no fear and maybe that is why,
Most of the time I lay awake at night wondering if dying is like sleeping because all I ever want to do is sleep.
You always tell me the bad first and make sure I know the good can be just as, if not worse, than the bad.
When a human touches me, my skin crawls away, shrinking into itself like plastic warps when exposed to heat.
My body - this body - is a trap society covets and degrades in equal measure.
Most girls learn this in early adulthood; I learned this in the cradle.
Things - like how just because someone acts like they want you doesn't mean they really do.
You lost your virginity to a boy who didn't love you (he loved your best friend) but settled for you.
When you gave him that piece of you, you knew this, and still you settled.
My mantra has become "never settle" and the thought of "settling down" sounds like a betrayal of myself and,
Most of the time falling in love sounds like a compromise - as in I am compromising a piece of myself for them. Never.
Things - like how you smiled and said that you wouldn't mind dying today, tomorrow, in a few years.
You said you didn't mind because you had done your best, and yes, you have. But,
When you die with that same smile on your face just know that I can't wait to join you.
My relationship with Death is a healthy curious one, there is no fear and maybe that is why,
Most of the time I lay awake at night wondering if dying is like sleeping because all I ever want to do is sleep.
♠ ♠ ♠
So, this dives into some conversations I've had with my mother which we had when I was just barely old enough to understand what she was talking about. Mom literally gave me the rape/sexual abuse talk before the clinical and insanely awkward sex talk I would have much preferred. Seeing as she is a victim of this kind of abuse when she was younger I understand but do not condone giving a child that kind of information so young. Watch out for the children. Know the signs of abuse but, for the love of whatever god(s) you worship, let kids be kids. Such conversations have literally shaped me into an antisocial person with no need or want for attachments of any kind (no offense). Much love to all those who read this.
Xoxo,
Ice