Lifetime Number What?

My name is Ani, -Anima
Who I used to be is gone.
Everything is gone.
Like a wartorn land of
Unrecognizable stature
What was once
Will never be.

I drop my children off,
Glance at the shadows of my old self
In a previous lifetime
A previous version of reality.
I can feel nothing and show nothing
Encounter each aspect of old
Familiarity breeding bitterness
No words to exhange, only the
Smokey Silhouette of feelings.

I shut the door behind me
My hairs stand on end and I feel
The only thing that makes me human.
Slip away. Alone again.
Every facet of lifetimes passed...
Just empty lots of colored grass
Burned down, burned out
Forgotten, and forsaken.
Dereliction becomes the 4 walls
And roof of memory..
I feel nothing...
Only bitterness in understanding
Nothing.
Feel nothing, know nothing.
I reside myself to the dark
Just as devoid as the empty lots..
The patches of space where
An old life used to live and love..
Unlike the desolated plots
It utters reason and purpose
It masks my eyes
And clouds the sky
Of my mind.

Pain is the only reminder.
My only tether to a reality.
The only thing that can cut through
Through my insanity.
Which i have plenty.
My cup runneth over.
Chaos. Is my surname
Insanity is not just repition of
Futile experiment.
But a realm beyond understanding
A gale of wind, whipping at the skin
A torrential downpour of mindlessness
The things that once defined,
Sadness, anger, agony..
They no longer exist here.
They all wear the same face, speak the same names
The edge of their blades run the same
And cut the same
Insanity is not just repitition.
It is a state of being.
That only the user knows.
Only I know..
Only I will ever know.

My only gate to reality..
Pain, physical pain.
Mental agony no longer a sickness
Its a way of life.
Living but unalive.
The blood dripping down the walls..
Droplets hit the floor at my feet.
A cacophany of rythm.
Echoing in my mind like a tunnel
Each drip, a story untold.
Each pistol grip, a mental unfold
Anywhere I sit, it has hold
Hands around my neck.
Gripped tight..

I pray my Lord forgives me.
My God that has gifted me.
I will only ever be what you wanted,
In Death.
And for that I regret.
For that I repent.
Forgive me Father for I know not
What I do.
I know only the chaos of creation.
The whippin winds of the Adversary
And the darkness that dances along my flesh
Enveloping me, and calling me home.
Forgive me Father.
For I am already Dead.