I'm Not There

I want to see your face.
To touch your lips;
To search your eyes.
The pull on my heart;
There’s no competition,
Nothing comes close.

The blue jacket you had on,
Its denim frayed.
Your too old, too small pants;
Its still there.
Hanging in my closet;
The star of my show.

Maybe we’ll find then,
Nothing is worth hiding.
Later we’ll realise,
Nothing is true.
Its all lies from the start.
Its all tears shed mingled with blood.

But maybe and later is not today.

Tomorrow could have come sooner,
The call could be made earlier.
I would have been there,
But it wouldn’t make a difference.

Your eyes would still be dark,
My body would still be slumped.

You should have waited
I should have stayed
There’s no point in a circle
There’s no round in a square.
Your scent lingers-

But I don’t notice it beside the hospital stench.

We could begin better
But endings never change
We could have breathed a little longer
But your death will still mar my day
Body bag covers the whites
The red still spills on the floor.

Fingers blue and purple
The gold and silver still glimmers.
They press into my palm
The sharp diamond edges
Release was sweet,
The force in my hand lost
Left forgotten in the black garbage bin.

You wouldn’t want it gone.
My life, my money, my all.
But it followed you home,
Where home’s not me.
You would have shouted at me
I must be shrieking back.

But all I have this instant,
Is nothing to be proud of;

Because my here and now went off to follow you to heaven.