"i'm just a stupid girl"

whenever you hit the bottom and you say there's no one there
no one that understands
and in all the movies and books and tv shows and commercials
there's always someone to save you

even people in real life who tell you that someone helped them
that you can stop and you can get better
there's always someone there to help you
if you tell it'll get better

but when i say that there's no one here
i fucking mean it
i'm just a stupid nobody who wants everything
but can't even date without having a panic attack

i'm just a stupid girl who has pictures on her walls
and still acts like she's in high school
i'm just a stupid girl who wants to look perfect
when she's too terrified to leave the house so no one sees her

i'm so fucked up that i cry for no reason at all
or else i claim to cry because i thought i should have
and i stab myself with safety pins now
because i don't want to fuck up my stepdad's thousand dollar knife set

and i can't even give myself my own pills even though i'm 18
so i act like i take them and i don't even know what to do with them
i'm the stupid little girl who has no friends in her life
except the ones she finds online

i'm terrified of leaving this house and i'm terrified of my parents
i'm terrified of people i don't know and lots of the ones i do
all i want is for people to love me and be famous
but i'm too fucking scared to try!

this is it, this is me, this is my fucking life
this is my lie and the the occasional truth
i hate myself for confessing this
but i really wanted to tell you

i'm just a contradiction and there's nothing i can do
i hate myself for living but i'd hate myself for suicide too
i want to sleep until i can't and then be awake until i can't
and just do the same thing every fucking day

and i'll tell you a secret
some line i thought up and had to run down here and right
something that seems to some up my whole life
that's just how fucking pathetic i am ...

I'm just as afraid of living
As I am of dying.