I'm Not Okay

People always ask me,
If I'm okay,
I answer with a nod of my head,
And a fake smile,
That I've been practicing for years.

What am I supposed to tell them?
That I'm really not okay?
So that they worry about me?
And try to fix me,
Even though I'm not broken?

If you want the truth,
I'll give it to you.

I'm not okay.
I fake a smile everyday,
Try to live in a perfect fantasy.
Try to pretend that everything's all right,
When deep inside,
All I want to do is cry.

I'll stop telling these lies,
If only for a minute,
And tell you the truth for once.

I'm not a liar.
I'm a protector.
I'm protecting everyone from myself,
From the emotions that I feel every day.

Maybe that is lying,
But I'm not lying for my own benefit,
I'm living this lie for you.

So you still want the truth?
Then I'll give it to you,
I won't hold back one bit,
I'm going to tell you it all.

I'm not okay.
I live a lie.
With each fake smile I die,
Jut a little bit more inside.

I'm not okay,
Not even close.
Sometimes I just want it to end,
To make the pain go away.
But I know I can't,
I have to continue this charade,
To protect you from me.

I'm not okay,
With each smile,
My heart breaks a little more inside.
With each lie I tell,
The more I want to die,
To make it all just end.

So now you know the truth,
You know about the lies I've told you.

So next time you ask me if I'm okay,
I'll continue this lie,
Because this lie has become my life.
I'll give you a fake smile,
And a nod of my head,
Even though my mind is screaming,
So loud that it's almost deafening:
I'm not okay!