The Ballad of John Dusenberry

Long ago, at a crossroads, they say,
a stranded man suffered a flat tire.
Then suddenly a clean man approached
with eyes that blazed with fire.

He said, “Now listen, kid, you seem real smart.
You feeling up for a trade?
I’ll make you Master of All Math Domains;
your soul’s all that must be paid.”

The stranded man squinted his eyes
and wrinkled his shiny head.
A shallow nod was all he gave,
and the deal was sealed in dread.

“Woe to the day, all the math students will say!”
and he cackled and sputtered and spit.
With a glint in his eye, he recited pi,
and to the devil he signed off his wits.

Time progressed and he went to school
to learn the tools of the trade.
He learned best how to administer tests
and bestow to all failing grades.

His domain he retained cold as all ice,
which could be viewed as irony;
for the depths of hell are meant to be boiling
though both are filled with tyranny.

Terror and torture were the names of the game,
and all students feared his class.
Though one day a student stood forth and declared,
“Frankly, sir, you’re an *gong hit*.”

“Woe to the day, all the math students will say!”
and he cackled and sputtered and spit.
With a glint in his eye, he recited pi,
and the student he proceeded to hit.

However one day a Crusader of Truth
took peculiar interest in this case.
York was his name and, as his title claimed,
this evil being he sought to erase.

York “hm’d” and he “yes’d” on an evening in summer,
and a spell he decided to use.
He mumbled and waved his wand in a daze,
and the demon’s left face could no longer move.

The demon refused to give up in his reign,
though the wizard believed he was done.
But the demon, he grinned as he thought of his fate.
and laughed, saying, “The wizard’s not won!”

“Woe to the day, all the math students will say!”
and he cackled and sputtered and spit.
With a glint in his eye, he recited pi,
and to this day in his chair he still sits.