Convulsions

you said that you'd only hate me for hurting myself,
define that please
i've been hurt all the time
and a porcelain bowl always catches the drips
i didnt ask to hurt this way
so does that mean its intentional?
the lurching my body repeats
is in time with my tears
i cant breathe or move now
but i can eat
mostly
the quakes move like waves through my every nerve
and i'd rather have the physical suffering to cure
than some broken heart that goes unheard
i'd like to stop
i really would
but the pain becomes pleasure
when i have control
rather than the spite of the world
i can just reguritate
and unfurl the pain at will