That Which Remains Unknown

I hold your hand as I push you away
I whisper no as the rest of me says yes
I tell you to leave and then scream your name
I cry as I'm smiling and laugh when I shouldn't
I want you to shut up but I need to hear your voice
I tell you I don't care when it means the world to me
Why is it so hard to understand?
Why isn't this yes or no?
Why do I have to struggle with everything in-between?
I'm missing so many pieces in this puzzle
but how can I find them when I don't know what I'm looking for?
As I struggle with myself, please, please have patience
because even when I tell you to go
Know that I still want you.