First Loves

No, I haven't given up yet
I'm just really lazy
I can't get up and chase you
you leave and I'll go crazy
And I won't lie, I'm depressed
but you just still cannot see
How content I really am
my mind at work inside of me

It just isn't like me at all
to fight for what I want
It's just not in my brain
glittering yet gaunt
I'm tired and I'm laying down
in a grass field so green
Stretching on forever
innocent and clean

I never was very optimistic
but I'm not a pessimist
I just don't know how to be happy
if it even exists
and I don't know how to give up
how to lay down and die
I don't know, does it make me tough-
because I don't know how to cry?

No one out there believes
and I'll say that I don't either
we all lose our bliss sometimes
so we're all non believers
I don't believe in myself
and I don't think I can
but I don't feel sorry
that's just how I am

We know first loves cut the deepest
first loves, the ones I miss
First love's the one that trapped me
that made me feel listless
the first love's always the one-
that seems like a big deal
yes, the first love always hurts
but quietly I'll heal

It happens very slowly
but the cuts will scab in time
and eventually they'll fade away
the scars throughout my mind
and I still won't have shit to say
Oh, the silence! How it taunts!
I already said it once before
its just not like me
to fight
for what
I want...