Alive

Everything is worse. I don't feel the joy. I don't feel my laugh. I don't feel like I should smile. I do though. But its not because I am happy. I need to feel weird. I need to feel weird, so I know I have some emotion in me. Even if it is fake. It is there.

They tell me to act normal. I do. The teacher called saying I was depressed. That was me normal. Get used to it. I go insane, not for attention, because I need to know I am alive. I need to know, that no matter what, I'll still be the kid who laughed and was happy inside.

I know I am normal. So you and that girl, stop judging me. You don't know me. I am so used to the yells in this house, I need to laugh for once. My true laugh that is one. The one that I cared for. The one that isn't a lie.

I need a friend who is with me, and not only partially. I try to let them know my hate, and my fears. I need someone who is there for me, and not one who lies, when they think they are there for me.

People say to calm down, but I can't. I want to believe I am here. I am here. Please. Stop stereotyping me as the weird freshmen. Stop judging me as the girl who is lame. Stop labeling me as that girl.

Can anybody notice me. I am here! I am alive! Tell me its not over yet. I want to be little. I want to believe. I want to smile and not know about taxes. I want go to Disneyland and believe it is truly the happiest place on earth. I want to laugh so hard my rips hurt, and I cry.

I can't. No one said I would change. No one said it would feel like I am dead. So stop telling my mom there is something wrong with me. Stop telling me when you are here for me when you lie. Stop telling me I am over-dramatic. And stop telling me you love me.

I am who I am. I am sorry I can't be perfect. I am sorry I can't be normal, without being mildly depressant. I know you should be caring while I am just understanding. I know I should listen.

There is nothing left to say. I know I am hiding my truth. I stick with what you say, and listen to what you say," I love you Rae Rae." Yeah. I know the game. So I'll just act the same, and pray, I will not be judged. It isn't my fault. I want to be alive. That is my only wish, and my will to survive.