The Entrance to a Disorder
this is a poem i wrote this last summer. I am supposedly recovered now, or at least it's in remission.
You tell me that I'm ugly
I look in my mirror- confusion.
I start searching for my flaws.
I see my thighs, huge things.
My stomach is bulging & my arms flab around.
The next day I'm wearing baggy clothes,
attempting to hide my body.
This day you call me fat.
I'm confused, so I look in the mirror again.
This time it is for advice.
I don't see my stomach
or fat arms and thighs.
But I know they are still there.
They are constantly mocking me.
Preaching how I will NEVER be beautiful.
I want them gone.
In the days to pass I see meals layed out.
Noticing the fat content, I push them aside.
In evenings I return to my only friends,
the scales and mirrors- they tell no lies.
Each night I see no difference,
I haven't done enough to gain beauty.
The next day I eat even less.
Reading and counting calories off labels,
any amount is too much.
I return to my bathroom each night,
to continue my neccessary routine.
I haven't lost enough-
15 pounds is nothing.
My stomach still sticks out.
Why isn't this working? I must do more.
No liquid calories, only water or coffee.
I need to lose this weight.
Weeks go by, no noticable changes.
Someone mentions exercising whilst fasting.
I jump at this idea- buring fat and consuming none.
Day one at the gym 1000 calories destroyed,
my own personal victory.
Returning to the gym 4 more times that week,
same workout each day- I end up blacking out the last night.
Someone tells me that I look like I've lost weight, that I look good.
I know what I'm doing must be working.
But I haven't done enough- I'm still too fat, still eating too much.
There is so much more I could do...
The eating disorder welcomes me with arms wide open,
Smiling at her latest victim.
I had lost over 56 something lbs. A trusted friend told me she was scared for me. That she watching me shrink away, but didn't know what to do to help. I know this is disturbing, but even now that im better. I would still kill to weigh less than 100lbs.
-Beth
p.s.- Not everything is what it seems.
You tell me that I'm ugly
I look in my mirror- confusion.
I start searching for my flaws.
I see my thighs, huge things.
My stomach is bulging & my arms flab around.
The next day I'm wearing baggy clothes,
attempting to hide my body.
This day you call me fat.
I'm confused, so I look in the mirror again.
This time it is for advice.
I don't see my stomach
or fat arms and thighs.
But I know they are still there.
They are constantly mocking me.
Preaching how I will NEVER be beautiful.
I want them gone.
In the days to pass I see meals layed out.
Noticing the fat content, I push them aside.
In evenings I return to my only friends,
the scales and mirrors- they tell no lies.
Each night I see no difference,
I haven't done enough to gain beauty.
The next day I eat even less.
Reading and counting calories off labels,
any amount is too much.
I return to my bathroom each night,
to continue my neccessary routine.
I haven't lost enough-
15 pounds is nothing.
My stomach still sticks out.
Why isn't this working? I must do more.
No liquid calories, only water or coffee.
I need to lose this weight.
Weeks go by, no noticable changes.
Someone mentions exercising whilst fasting.
I jump at this idea- buring fat and consuming none.
Day one at the gym 1000 calories destroyed,
my own personal victory.
Returning to the gym 4 more times that week,
same workout each day- I end up blacking out the last night.
Someone tells me that I look like I've lost weight, that I look good.
I know what I'm doing must be working.
But I haven't done enough- I'm still too fat, still eating too much.
There is so much more I could do...
The eating disorder welcomes me with arms wide open,
Smiling at her latest victim.
I had lost over 56 something lbs. A trusted friend told me she was scared for me. That she watching me shrink away, but didn't know what to do to help. I know this is disturbing, but even now that im better. I would still kill to weigh less than 100lbs.
-Beth
p.s.- Not everything is what it seems.