What I Deserve
I'm a failure- just a mistake.
All I do is disappoint.
Letting you down again and again.
Why do I always end up here?
It's sad how this is so familiar.
I've stood in this spot too many times.
Listened to the speech you give way too often.
It's always the same and always different.
You tell me things that I need to hear-
That it's going to be okay, that you are here for me.
Yet still.. It changes.
Your expression tears me apart.
Fuck! It's your eyes-
They almost scream at me.
"Not again. Beth, please tell me you aren't doing it again???"
Every single time the look grows stronger- more defined.
I cringe on the insides.
Even though I'd kill to not think what that look brings on.
It always hits me dead on.
One of these times you won't be here to help.
You will give up on me.
I'm so sure of that I can taste it.
The truth is:
I never deserved to have someone to lean on.
Now i deserve it even less.
Because I looked you in the eyes.
Because I told you I was stopping.
Because I went back on my word.
Because I gave my shit over, I couldn't dispose of it myself.
Because I felt safe when you gave me a hug, saying you believed in me.
Because I was okay for awhile.
Because when it started getting tough- I fucked up:
Because I stopped telling you about it.
Because I didn't ask of your help.
Because I thought I could wing it and handle it myself.
Because I thought since I lasted that long I wouldn't slip.
--- GOD, DID I THINK WRONG---
Because the time came when I started wanting it again.
Because it flipped from cravings to a must have.
Because it went from an occasional urge to a constant need.
Because I let you believe I was completely fine.
Because I didn't want you thinking I was weak.
Because I kept everything about it inside.
Because I started isolating myself from people who care.
Because I was alone that day.
Because nobody was home to stop me.
Because I got more shit- AGAIN.
Because I started up- AGAIN.
Because I ended up addicted- AGAIN.
Because I told myself "its just me and it's not a problem"- AGAIN.
Because it became who I was- AGAIN.
Because I hate that:::
- I will stand in that place once more, sorry and scared.
And AGAIN, you will give me the same look.
But this time you will tell me something else.
"I'm sorry Beth, not anymore."
I will finally get the exact thing I deserve.
I now realize & understand this entire thing perfectly. Sad thing is-- It's too fucking late.
Hindsight is a bitch. If only I never picked up any of these god-damned addictions, then I would never be in this situation. But, I can't go back and change time. I can only live in the now. And hopefully not let any of my addictions kill me.
All I do is disappoint.
Letting you down again and again.
Why do I always end up here?
It's sad how this is so familiar.
I've stood in this spot too many times.
Listened to the speech you give way too often.
It's always the same and always different.
You tell me things that I need to hear-
That it's going to be okay, that you are here for me.
Yet still.. It changes.
Your expression tears me apart.
Fuck! It's your eyes-
They almost scream at me.
"Not again. Beth, please tell me you aren't doing it again???"
Every single time the look grows stronger- more defined.
I cringe on the insides.
Even though I'd kill to not think what that look brings on.
It always hits me dead on.
One of these times you won't be here to help.
You will give up on me.
I'm so sure of that I can taste it.
The truth is:
I never deserved to have someone to lean on.
Now i deserve it even less.
Because I looked you in the eyes.
Because I told you I was stopping.
Because I went back on my word.
Because I gave my shit over, I couldn't dispose of it myself.
Because I felt safe when you gave me a hug, saying you believed in me.
Because I was okay for awhile.
Because when it started getting tough- I fucked up:
Because I stopped telling you about it.
Because I didn't ask of your help.
Because I thought I could wing it and handle it myself.
Because I thought since I lasted that long I wouldn't slip.
--- GOD, DID I THINK WRONG---
Because the time came when I started wanting it again.
Because it flipped from cravings to a must have.
Because it went from an occasional urge to a constant need.
Because I let you believe I was completely fine.
Because I didn't want you thinking I was weak.
Because I kept everything about it inside.
Because I started isolating myself from people who care.
Because I was alone that day.
Because nobody was home to stop me.
Because I got more shit- AGAIN.
Because I started up- AGAIN.
Because I ended up addicted- AGAIN.
Because I told myself "its just me and it's not a problem"- AGAIN.
Because it became who I was- AGAIN.
Because I hate that:::
- I will stand in that place once more, sorry and scared.
And AGAIN, you will give me the same look.
But this time you will tell me something else.
"I'm sorry Beth, not anymore."
I will finally get the exact thing I deserve.
I now realize & understand this entire thing perfectly. Sad thing is-- It's too fucking late.
Hindsight is a bitch. If only I never picked up any of these god-damned addictions, then I would never be in this situation. But, I can't go back and change time. I can only live in the now. And hopefully not let any of my addictions kill me.