My First Love

it has been years
since i thought of him
my first love
hair copper, with such magical eyes
so pained and happy at once
his skin so cold
his arms so warm

i have never once forgotten him
like he, and the crippling pain he left, intended
he has always been there
lingering in some part of my mind
immune to the pain the frequent return of his voice brings

i have never really moved along
not even the loyal friend could sway me
even when i resolved to TRY to love him
My first love haunted me still
unrelenting; beautiful, loving

i tried to marry
moved to the sun where he could never find me
but nothing could keep the memories away
and i didn't want them to
if i was honest to myself
which i very rarely was anymore

i tried to curse him
to scream his name with a venomous voice
to say "i hate you"
to say "I don't love you anymore"
"I don't need you"
but i could never lie, could i?

i tried to find him
dog eared maps and tracking systems failed
along with sniffer dogs and friendly wolves
but he was nowhere to be seen
hidden in shadow
or just not there
becuase he didn't care