Anorexia.
I'm just an ugly girl, trying to be pretty.
A fat ass, trying to be skinny.
I pump in the information my eyes have to soak up and try and live.
Live it every fucking day.
Make excuse after pointless excuse to not let any fuel enter my mouth, its because I dont wanna be refueled.
Is it starving I'm doing or is this fucking suicide.
Bones and loose skin look so fucking ugly and here I sit, wishing I were her. Wishing I looked like that bag of bones dying. Starving. Dying. She's pretty much dead.
So I sit and pray but not to God, I pray to my own sanity thats lost somewhere in my fucking small-now frame. My shrinking fuckin' frame matches my shrinking fucking sanity and I hear voices telling me to hate God.
Blame him. Blame him. Blame him.
Tortured? Who in the fucking universe would want to torture a fourteen year old when I have so much to live for, so much to enjoy instead?
Not God, but myself and the pictures on my wall. Lying, they're lying to me.
So I'll rip 'em down and listen to some rock music which tells me to fuck the world. And I'll scream and rip off the skin thats now too fucking tight against me and maybe I'll barf up some more acid, stomach acid. I might die or maybe I'm being melodramatic. But its time now. To let it out after so long...after an eternity of not letting anything in and starving not only physically but mentally, emotionally...finally I'll let something in. Realization and a crazy-kind of sanity. I'm alright. I'm fucking ugly but in the same breath I think I'm gorgeous. I cant be perfection because perfection is a lie. A mere fucking delusion. So I let this all sink in, I am me, in the flesh, bones, meat, fucking brown eyes. Everything.
And then I'll let out the tears that even after deprivation still manage to attain saltiness. And I'll scream so loud God can hear, but the Lord might smile, assuming he exists 'cause I'm giving up on starving and finally giving in.
I breathe in and then exhale, the world somehow is off my shoulders.
I look to the heavens but also to the ground, hoping the devil sees me too. I whisper a thank you to the wind as it pushes past me and dont really know what else to do, so I start to walk on page after page of this newly colored book. I always preferred chapter books with pictures as a kid. And I'll keep fucking walking and taking this in because for once I'm finally over my obsession of being thin.
And the world has so much to offer.
A fat ass, trying to be skinny.
I pump in the information my eyes have to soak up and try and live.
Live it every fucking day.
Make excuse after pointless excuse to not let any fuel enter my mouth, its because I dont wanna be refueled.
Is it starving I'm doing or is this fucking suicide.
Bones and loose skin look so fucking ugly and here I sit, wishing I were her. Wishing I looked like that bag of bones dying. Starving. Dying. She's pretty much dead.
So I sit and pray but not to God, I pray to my own sanity thats lost somewhere in my fucking small-now frame. My shrinking fuckin' frame matches my shrinking fucking sanity and I hear voices telling me to hate God.
Blame him. Blame him. Blame him.
Tortured? Who in the fucking universe would want to torture a fourteen year old when I have so much to live for, so much to enjoy instead?
Not God, but myself and the pictures on my wall. Lying, they're lying to me.
So I'll rip 'em down and listen to some rock music which tells me to fuck the world. And I'll scream and rip off the skin thats now too fucking tight against me and maybe I'll barf up some more acid, stomach acid. I might die or maybe I'm being melodramatic. But its time now. To let it out after so long...after an eternity of not letting anything in and starving not only physically but mentally, emotionally...finally I'll let something in. Realization and a crazy-kind of sanity. I'm alright. I'm fucking ugly but in the same breath I think I'm gorgeous. I cant be perfection because perfection is a lie. A mere fucking delusion. So I let this all sink in, I am me, in the flesh, bones, meat, fucking brown eyes. Everything.
And then I'll let out the tears that even after deprivation still manage to attain saltiness. And I'll scream so loud God can hear, but the Lord might smile, assuming he exists 'cause I'm giving up on starving and finally giving in.
I breathe in and then exhale, the world somehow is off my shoulders.
I look to the heavens but also to the ground, hoping the devil sees me too. I whisper a thank you to the wind as it pushes past me and dont really know what else to do, so I start to walk on page after page of this newly colored book. I always preferred chapter books with pictures as a kid. And I'll keep fucking walking and taking this in because for once I'm finally over my obsession of being thin.
And the world has so much to offer.