Trying to find a way to understand the question people ask me - why?

The flame of rage sets in my heart and mind,
a light once more..
Sinking from there to every cell and bone in my body..
Free and happy moments become buried,
in a blanket of ashes and flames..
Burning brighter in the sun,
Burning scars into me..
Keep those I love close to me,
As I try to remember the promises I made to them..

*Break*

The snow falls around me,
like thick fog..
Suffocating, controlling me, showing me the 'only-way-out,'
Killing me and my will..
Locking my mind down like a vice made of ice...
No more light... just ice-cold rage and darkness...

*Slice*

Silence rings like bells on Christmas day:
Loud, clear, and unbreakable...
Drifting away on a slow, but easy,
river of pure pain..
Soothed by the dizziness that sways my body
into a lullaby...
Forget I exsist...
Forget reality....
Let the abyss take me down,
Into the welcoming depths..

*regret*

Sheltered from the passing storm,
In a warm bed of blankets..
They start to turn cold
As the promises that I made
Settle broken around my shoulders..
As scarlet warmth
flows from my wrists...

Upon broken promises,
Falls red rain....