Illicud.

another path
another drawing.
what happens when im down
when im out
when im up to bat?
am i crazy?
do i swing away?
or do i strike out
tonight different.
i hit and miss
i took it wrong.
two
four
six
eight
ten
twelve
and one for good luck
a ting under my eye
the pain in my stomach
i walk to the bathroom.
the color in my eyes swirl.
i feel myself dropping.
falling
sinking.
the waters cold
too cold
i begin to sweat.
it smells funny
sour
not like b.o.
but like death
i fall to the floor
crumple
im destroyed
i want to die.
slightly
i feel my self get up.
go down stairs.
i need comfort.
i open the cabinets,
i sit at the table,
cereal,
i eat until its gone.
half the box.
i regret.
i feel upset.
im back in the bathroom.
red swirls in my eyes.
i kneel.
i thrust it back.
i feel it all come out.
i sink lower
i feel the bottom.
i grace it.
embrace it
i thrust more.
im empty.
i feel my temple
it meets the tile.
my eyes are spilled over.
the feel of acid in my mouth.
i lay their a moment.
i get up.
i clean up.
i walk in my room.
a night to remember.
a fight ill never win.
"take it out"
i take it out
just like he says
"press it"
i do
"harder"
i do
it pools, i feel it.
then it pops.
the pressure makes i flow.
"drag it"
i do the slow drag.
pressing hard.
it feels like heaven.
like no place Ive been before.
i bite my lip.
look away.
pain.
sweet pain.
i put it all away.
take two tiny blues.
im at the bottom.
and i don't want to get up until noon
i lay on the bed.
and watch the colors fade to black.
i wish this is the end.
i wish this is the feeling i could never lack