I Mean This More Than Words Could Ever Say

March 17th, 2005. It rings so clearly. It was around 5:30 p.m. and I was spending time with my cousin, Alissa. My parents had gone out of town that day, my dad’s birthday. Alissa and I were making dinner when a music video started playing on Fuse TV. She asked if I had seen it, and I hadn’t. So I sat and watched it, completely engrossed by the gripping visuals and catchy lyrics. I took note of the song, ready for research on the band.

The next day, I entered the title “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” into the search field on the Let's Sing It web page and there it was. My eyes quickly darted to the artist name. “My Chemical Romance. Interesting,” I said to myself. I read the lyrics to every song. I found biographies, photos, and quotes from the band members. My obsession was an eagle taking flight, because I tried finding anything at all I could about them. I went the whole nine yards.

A few weeks later, after seeing the video for their latest single, “Helena”, I knew I had to have the album. I told my parents, knowing it would be a hassle because thanks to the RIAA, “Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge” had been slapped with a “Parental Advisory” sticker. Needless to say, my mom wasn’t too thrilled with the lyrics. I could literally feel the tears forming in my eyes when she told me I couldn’t get it. But I quickly blinked them away, for fear I would cause a flood in the room. Every time we went to Target or Best Buy, I’d go find the CD and just look at it, wondering if I’d ever have a copy of my own. So I dealt with the situation, and it paid off.

It was now Christmas Day of 2005. I found a long tube hiding inside our tree. I tore into it like a lion tearing at its prey, and found myself staring at Gerard and Mikey Way, Frank Iero, Ray Toro, and Bob Bryar. I jumped up and down with excitement! A My Chemical Romance poster in my hands! I couldn’t believe it! I knew I was closer to owning the CD.

It was late February 2006 when we took a trip to Best Buy. I ran to the “M” section and picked up Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge. Though I knew it wouldn’t work, I asked if I could get it. To my absolute surprise, my mom said, “Yes.” She had decided to let me listen to them! I didn’t think it could get any better. I bought their first album, “I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love”, at Hot Topic, and in March I got their DVD/CD package, “Life On The Murder Scene.”

I popped the video diary into my DVD player as soon as I got home. Their story unfolded before my eyes, and I became like a small child, not able to go to sleep until they hear their favorite bedtime story. I watched intently, not wanting to even blink and miss a nanosecond of it. Everything they had gone through, the ups and downs, were all there. Some of the footage really affected me, particularly where they dove into detail about lead vocalist Gerard Way’s battle with drugs and alcohol. I had built a connection so strong to them that I could barely watch it. Luckily, he overcame that obstacle, becoming like David and defeating the Goliath that is addiction, and proving just how strong he was.

By that point, I was able to sing any part of any lyrics to any song from their studio albums, and even the unreleased tracks I had obtained. The months rolled on, and it was September. I was on imnotokay.net, a My Chem fan site and message board, and discovered that their third album, dubbed “The Black Parade”, would be available October 24th!

It was getting closer and closer, and finally October 24th, 2006 had arrived. I came home from school, and followed my everyday, run-of-the-mill routine. Homework, dinner, computer. It’s what I was used to. But that evening, my parents called me to their room where I saw a box lying on their bed. I opened it to see a slender, smooth, black velveteen box. I lifted the lid, and there was the new CD, along with a 64 page book that contained Gerard’s drawings, making-of-the-album notes, etc. and four special photo art cards. I was so excited, because I knew it was expensive, and I had no idea I would be getting it the day it came out. I was in such a state of nirvana, and I don’t think I ever came down.

December. I was again on that message board and learned that My Chemical Romance was on tour! I checked their official website religiously, and eventually a Houston date was on the list. My heart was beating about 1,000 times a minute. I leaped up like a frog from the chair, bolted to the front room and told my parents, and they said they might consider letting me go. My 15th birthday was on February 19th, so I decided to use any money I got to buy a ticket.

Finally, it was the day of my quinceañera. I saw that there were a number of envelopes on the gift table, and once I counted the money at home, I saw that I had $600! My dad got online and purchased four tickets; one for him, my mom, my friend Tara, and myself. Now all I had to do was wait until April 14th.

Days seemed like years until the date of the concert had come. It was a storybook Christmas, as I woke up bright and early that morning, eagerly anticipating 8:00 p.m., when I’d be sitting in my seat at the arena. I searched frantically for the Wal-Mart bag that stored my blank, gray shirt and my package of Sharpie markers. I made a shirt for the concert by drawing the drum major from the cover of “The Black Parade” on the front, and writing the lyrics to “The End” around it. On the back, I wrote the titles of their three albums. Tara was there with me, and we sang along to MCR songs to get us hyped for the night. Around 5:00 p.m. we left for Reliant Arena, as this would give us time to get there and find parking, which took an eternity. The line outside of the building stretched out toward the setting sun. We walked to the end of it and waited on this unusually cold day in April.

The opening band, Muse, was already playing when we were getting our purses and pockets checked. We entered and immediately began our hunt for our seats. The roar of the crowd sent chills down my spine. If they were this crazy for Muse, how would they act when MCR got onstage?

Muse’s set ended, and we were awaiting the main attraction. The lights went out, diverting my wandering eyes to the stage. I could hear faint guitar chords being strummed, I knew it had to be Ray. I could make out a faux operation table, and noticed an outline of a body on top of it. The white sheet covering the body was suddenly cast away, revealing Gerard Way. This was it, the moment I’d been dreaming of. There he was. The man I adored, the man I looked up to, standing right there onstage. His voice, the sweetest sound to my ears, began sounding the words, “Now come one, come all to this tragic affair…” They played the entire tracklist of “The Black Parade”. I sang every word, with more feeling than ever, and it came to a close with the last track, “Famous Last Words”. I sang my heart out, like I was trying to force a bullet in all the people that had treated me so badly. The chorus was the bullet destroying all the liars, the fakes, the plain hateful. “I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone…” I’ll never forget those lines as long as I live. All my insecurity, the times I completely dreaded walking across the classroom because I could feel their cold stares, the feelings I had that I was never good enough; none of it mattered one bit. None. All that mattered were those little moments at that concert, the things Gerard would say, his crazy and slightly goofy onstage persona, me dancing and singing like I was the only one in that arena, just rocking out to my favorite band. That’s all that I cared about.

They played the hidden track, “Blood”, their previously unreleased song “Heaven Help Us”, and left the stage. Just as soon as they left, they were back, out of their Black Parade uniforms, and into the ripped jeans, old t-shirts, and Gerard into his leather jacket. They were My Chemical Romance again, not The Black Parade. They played a few tracks from “Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge”. Hearing “I’m Not Okay” took me back to that day in March two years ago, when the whole crazy thing started. All the drama before being able to get the CD, then getting my friends into them and inserting lyrics from their songs into everyday conversations, writing fanfictions like my pencil was on fire, it all amounted to this climactic night.

“Helena” was the last song performed. When the chorus came around, I looked at the ocean of black eyeliner and unnatural hair color surrounding me. Every single person was singing this song. We all came from different places, we’ve gone through different situations, but one thing was clear: we were all family that night. I didn’t feel alone anymore. There were people just like me. We were invincible. This wasn’t just a devoted fanbase; this was an army.

As all good things must come to an end, the concert was over. I knew I’d never be the same. I felt even closer to the band than ever. Gerard was no longer a vocalist, he was undoubtedly my hero. He gave me hope when I lost it all, strength to let go of grudges and live my life without hatred weighing me down. I learned to forgive even more, and not worry what anyone thinks of me. I was so much more in love with the band, because when I listened to them I felt liberated, and like I mattered in this world. I felt unstoppable, and for once, I was truly happy to be myself.

That concert will always be one of the most memorable nights of my life. It was comforting to know that there were others like me. Even if one day I “grow out” of My Chemical Romance, I’ll never forget what they’ve done for me. They are forever a part of me, fused inside of my heart and soul, the needle and thread inside to keep me together when I feel like it’s not worth it. They’ll never be taken away. They’ll have my respect forever, because they’ve truly saved lives. Just ask any hardcore fan, they’ll tell you the same. They’ve been there for fans when they were at their lowest points, and Gerard has stated that the “feeling is mutual.” We are there for each other. They mean the world to me, and that, I sincerely hope, will never change.