Exodus - Comments

There aren't words for how this made me feel. The fact that it made me feel something is a feat in its own actually. An you've taken it one step farther. This one-shot made me cry.

"That gentle laugh of yours is miraculous. I would curl up inside my skin just to hear it again"

Georgeous. Loved it ^^

This one-shot was really powerful and beautiful. I loved how she left the window open, waiting for him to return even though she feared doing so. Her love for him surpassed her fear, and that was simply gorgeous. Major gratz on writing this =]

No crit, because it's beautiful.

Exodus. It's a lovely little title. Relevant, and all that analytical nonsense. But when you get right down to it, it's just plain lovely on its own.

"I would curl up inside my skin just to hear it again."
That's my favourite line. I'm not sure if I'll be able to explain how, but it just is. It makes me think of a body so intent on remembrance, the organs curl around the heart to relive the moment, so that the body goes out of shape, and the skin is torn because grief's at it, and it just wants to shut down and remember. And the bone structure is ruined, there's blood and there's pain that's waiting to be noticed, but all these organs are curled around the heart, keeping it safe, helping it thrive on a memory. That the heart will be protected as long as it remembers its lover's laugh. That's what it makes me think of.

"You always told me I was the most beautiful thing you ever had the privilege to lay your eyes on, but then you left me here."
This reminds me of the body again (which I'm not going to refer to as "he" or "she", because I'm not really sure if the narrator is male or female, and I don't want to offend you), just because that this person's who supposedly died, they saw the beauty. And now all the beauty's been sucked into the memory that the heart's re-living, and now that that person has gone, there's no beauty to be seen anymore. It's ugly, because now the narrator is meant to be crazy, too.

"I was too dead."
And will forever continue to be.

"Then they took me away and I heard them whisper to each other that I was crazy. Then they told me the same."
Sums up humans in two sentences. Bravo, congrats. We're all bitches. I'm glad you can get so many topics across in a one-shot. Everyone seems to agree with the doctor, and not with the madman. I don't really think they have a right to do that. We're all mad.

You know, in a way, this reminds me of a book I've read. About madmen and love and suicide. That was beautiful too, but that was a whole book.

"I always left it open after you left, so you could climb in and hold me in your arms."
I think the narrator sounds a bit like a teenager. The whole thing reminds me of a tragic, romantic teenage drama. The person is obviously in love - love makes us do crazy things (no pun intended, I guess) and it overcomes fear, and misery, and the rest. And "dying"? It's just leaving. The narrator's quite right to say the person only left.

"I will wait for you."
Sad, true and beautiful. Sorry for the simplistic language, but one, I don't own a thesaurus, and two, I don't feel that using big, fancy words really expresses how I feel about this particular line.

It's so lovely.

Sad and beautiful.

Beautiful oneshot, that's all I can say.

The whole concept of a woman and the lover that will never return is so romantically destructive, but so enthralling at the same time. I love reading stories with a theme like that, and this was no exception. Actually, this is one of my favorites. I really like the language you use when you write, and how you can get your ideas across.

The whole way she asks herself all of those questions that aren't really questions, like when she's trying to process that they're saying he killed himself, even though he had told her that if he ever commited such an act, it would hurt. You write in the most compelling way, and this oneshot really shows that off well.
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You are brave like that. You don’t care how much something hurts you, as long as you can protect me. As long as it doesn’t hurt anybody else. But then you contradicted your own nature. You left. Perfectly said, and I loved this whole paragraph.

It saddened me to read about how she'd leave her window open at night, just in case he'd come back, but in a way I could understand what she did. Lonliness and loss hurts, especially when you lose the person you love. You showed that even more by the words You know better than anyone that I have always been too afraid to even open my curtains to let in the sweet daylight, but I left the window open just for you, just so I could see you again. Just outlining that she was afraid to open the curtains shows how badly she misses him.

You once told me you would never leave my side. Then why did you? Really the heart of the story, isn't it? I just loved this little part.

They told me that you said you couldn’t go another day without me. Then you should have stayed with me. You describe her feelings so well it's amazing, really you do.

Even the part where she see's the illusion of him adds to the story. It just gives the reader such a sense of what she has lost, and how badly she wants him still here when he didn't have the courage to stay.

That gentle laugh of yours is miraculous. I would curl up inside my skin just to hear it again. And I know I will. I know I will hear it again when you get back. I just know.

Until then, I will wait.

I will wait for you. Perfect ending, I loved it. You have such a way with words, and please keep it up